Bike to work day was June 27, so this story is a bit late but still worth telling as it may SAVE YOUR LIFE (visualize dramatic music here).
The events were set into motion about a week before that fateful day when a coworker casually asked, "So, you been drinking at lunch again?"
No.
Wait.
That was the week before the week before bike to work day.
"So, are you biking to work next week?"
Yeah, that's better.
"Bike to work? Hmmm, yes, I think so. Hold on, I don't own a bike, so, no, probably not" was my witty reply.
However, it did get my two brain cells churning. Bike to work? Might be a good way to get some exercise in to counteract all that drinking at lunch I've been doing.
When you need something where I work you talk to a guy named Tony. As in, "Yo Tooony I need a guy whacked, kapeesh?" That kind of Tony.
"Hey Tony, I'm looking for a bike can you help me out?"
"Sure Mike, what kind of bike? Mountain? Road? Unicycle?"
"Um, how about cheap?"
"Got just the thing for you, I'll bring it in tomorrow. You don't mind if it's hot, do you?"
"Hot?"
At this point Tony had a look that screamed "Why I otta..."
"Oh, H-O-T, gotcha. No problem there."
The next day I bought an older, but decent mountain bike from the trunk of Tony's Cadillac for $50. Tony gave me a $5 discount because the front tire was a little leaky and it still had some red "paint" stains on it from the previous owner.
I had about three days to get into Tour de France shape, so I took the bike for a spin around the neighborhood and figured I was "good to go".
The big day arrived and below are the three things I learned about bicycling:
- Equipment means everything. If you gave Lance Armstrong's bike to a one legged, overweight, smoker, he'd win the Tour. Remember this for when someone passes you, it's not because they are in better condition, it's because their wife let them buy a more expensive bike.
- Bikers wear the shorts with a diaper in them for a reason, it's called "avoiding swollen bum syndrome".
- Doping may be illegal for the pros but I highly recommended it for us normal people, especially when you get a bad case of #2 (see above).
Weeks later, after I was released from the hospital, where they diagnosed me with the worst case of SBS they had ever seen, I set out the find a faster, lighter, more expensive bike. After test riding numerous bikes, well, one actually, I slapped the credit card down and was the proud owner of a Cannondale cyclocross.
Having succeeded in solving my problem with item #1 above I then decided to move straight to item #3 and popped the cork on a bottle of 2006 Molleydooker Maitre'D Cabernet. Lots of chocolate and coca flavors, not your typical Cab and nicely priced at $22 a bottle. Buy one if you can find it, they're going fast.
The doping also eased the pain from beating I received when the wife came home and found the new bike.
I know what you are thinking, what about item #2? Well, I spent waaay too much on the bike and I liked the first bottle of Molleydooker so much that I went back and bought six more for future doping needs, so the funds were a little low. Fearing a return trip to the hospital with an even worse case of SBS, I improvised and took a pair of my boxer briefs and wrapped a Maxi pad around the crotch.
A fringe benefit to my new "bike shorts" is that now when I go drinking at lunch I don't have to leave my chair to go to the bathroom.