Last night, I poured myself a glass of Chianti and sat down to write my fake Christmas cards. Well, actually, my fake Christmas letters. You know, those boring, typed, page-long recaps of someone's year? Tis the season to play practical jokes, right?

I find that there are several key factors that need to be addressed when writing a fake Christmas letter. I'll use one that I just mailed to my good friend, Ron, as an example. The true facts about my friend are that he's married, has two kids and a third one on the way, plays hockey, and recently moved into a new house at Stapleton.

First, I found a random photo of a family that I included with the fake letter. I then made up names for the family: Peter, Sarah, and little Jenny. This lends credibility to the letter as well as starts the confusion for the reader.

Second, be very generic with a touch of craziness when you start the letter. I decided that my family was a couple of religious nuts from Utah who were moving back to Colorado, ironically, Stapleton. My first paragraph went like this:

Praise the Lord, how many years has it been since we last saw each other? You could imagine my surprise when Peter came home after one of his hockey games and told me he had seen Ron. I was even more shocked when Peter looked up your address for this card and we found that you were also living in Stapleton. Don't you just love it here?

The next phase of the plan is to blaa, blaa, blaa about the family, just like the real Christmas letters as shown in my next paragraph:

As you probably recall, Peter and I spent the majority of our time after college doing missionary work for the church. We started our adventure in Douala, then Yaounde, and finished in Abidjan where our twosome became a threesome when the Lord blessed us with little Jenny. While the work was rewarding, we feel that God was testing our faith, especially after 9-11 and all the terrorism. The missionary position can be difficult and uncomfortable at times because the very people you are trying to help can turn on you in an instant. Peter kept reminding me to simply trust in the Lord and to lock the first aid kits.

At this point, I can visualize my friend's wife scratching her head and accusing him of knowing some whackos from Utah. But it gets better in the third paragraph when Sarah starts asking questions:

My mom is extremely happy for our return and when I mentioned that you guys were living in the lower end of Stapleton, she made me promise to find out if you have any children? (If by chance you do have an infant child, we have beautiful tribal gown that Jenny wore to her baptism that you can borrow.) Mom's memory hasn't been too good lately. She continues to ask for Dad and it is hard for me to keep reminding her that we lost him in the Lord's hailstorm of 1984. I wonder why I am even telling you about this in a holiday card, it must be because you have done such a fine job dealing with your mom's issues and might be able to lend me some guidance. I've always appreciated your opinion, bless the Lord, if I hadn't listened to you two, Peter and I would never have met.

Ahhh, pure genius. Lastly, I finish the fake letter by hinting that Peter, Sarah, and little Jenny might stop by unannounced:

I'll check the schedule and see when Peter and Ron play with each other and maybe we can all carpool to the game? If not, Jenny and I enjoy our walks through the new neighborhood. If it is still light out, perhaps we will venture across to your "side of the tracks." It's been too long and I have way too many things to ask you.

For extra credit I also included a fake passage at the bottom of the letter that read:

"Ye, thou shall sleep in green pastures but ye shall not linger long because the Lord's grass needs nourishment too." Paul 3:15:27

Press print, insert photo, and slap a stamp on it.