God bless the writer's strike because their picketing has led me to the best new show on television, American Gladiators. I want to set the record straight, I'm not into boxing, wrestling or any of those ultimate fighting programs. However, when you give Hulk Hogan a microphone and pit scantily clad gladiators against your typical, scrawny, I-still-have-something-to-prove, average Americans, something magical happens.

I do, however, have one beef with the producers, and that's their choice of when to cut to commercial. For example, the referee does his, "Contestant READY? Gladiator READY?" and right before my girl Venom starts pounding on the poor, unsuspecting stay-at-home mom from Kansas with her giant Q-tip, they go to commercial. Arrrrrggghhh.

The first advertisement was from Just For Men hair coloring. Their motto, "If you're an old dude trying to pickup a chick in her 20s, let her see all you have to offer and good things will happen. Just For Men will take care of your gray hair, the giant beer gut is your problem."

However, I think that Tim McCarver, Dick Clark and Burt Reynolds are great examples of why men should not dye their hair. It not only looks ridiculous for 80-year-old fossils to have dyed hair, but all three geezers are wealthy enough to simply pay the girls to come home with them.

The second commercial was for Bowflex, you know, the workout machine that looks like a mutated octopus. The announcer comes on and says, "Get the results you want in only 20 minutes a day."

And then he quickly adds, "Pending you quit porking out at the buffet line, blend in hour of cardio per workout and continue this routine for more than the first week."

I was a little suspicious at first, just 20 minutes a day? But then Bowflex hit me with real-life testimonials such as this one Artie Wimpleschmidt: "I bought the Bowflex a year ago for my wife because she was getting tubby. She lost over 40 pounds, dropped from a size 18 to a size 3, left me and moved to Florida with some guy named Antonio. All this, and for only 397 easy payments of $27.50."

The last ad was for male enlargement. I can't remember if it was from Viagra or Enzyte, but the product was a topical lotion and they guaranteed immediate enlargement if the user vigorously rubbed their product on the male part in question. However, side effects did include chaffing, redness and a high probability of going blind.

Based on these commercials it makes you wonder what kind of viewers American Gladiators attracts, doesn't it? I guess you need to be a gray-haired, flabby guy, with performance problems to think that American Gladiators is the best new show on television.

Heeeey, wait a minute...

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