I'm a cradle Catholic, which means from day 1 my parents dragged me to church every Sunday. For a kid, church is all about standing, sitting, kneeling, waiting in line, and trying to stay awake. However, I've learned that if you stick it out, you not only get a golden ticket into Heaven but a whole lot more.

Easter is a great example. For us regulars, this is a time of year when we welcome back the people who only come to church for the Big 2.

Easter and Christmas.

It brings me great joy to see all of these folks flock back to church, not because I'm worried about their eternal souls, but because it is good to look at some new people for a change. Below I have listed a few tips for those of you who might be a little rusty when it comes to the Catholic Church.

First, you've got two options for mass, old school or happy clappy. A great example of an old-school mass is anything that starts before 7 a.m. and where the average age of the parishioners is 92. Simply put, this is a no-frills mass. Therefore, to streamline the process, all singing has been eliminated and it is completely understood by the priest that the size of your donation is inversely proportional to the length of his sermon. My favorite part about an old-school mass is when the priest, much like a Las Vegas blackjack dealer, passes out the communion, "... one for you, one for me, one for you, annnnnnd AMEN everyone shuffle to your cars and go home for a nap."

Your other option is the happy clappy mass. You know you are at a happy clappy mass when20 minutes has gone by and they are still going through the weekly announcements. Also, everything is sung, "Thhhhheeeeerrrrreeeee willlll beeeeee freeeeee bloooood presssssssure teeeeesting doooown stttairs." Swaying, clapping along with the band, and raising your arms to the heavens is also highly encouraged. Sometimes, special effects such as incense, wireless microphones, and dimming of the lights are utilized.

Now that you're familiar with the options for mass, here are a few more pointers to make your experience that much more enjoyable:

Turn off your cell phone because there is nothing more embarrassing then having your Rod StewartDa Ya Think I'm Sexy ring tone come blaring on during the gospel.

Choose your seat with the Our Father prayer in mind. When this prayer is said, you hold hands with the individuals on your left and right. So, I ask you, do you want to hold hands with the hot mom in her cute Easter dress or get five digits from the phlegm-factory-5-year-old?

Also, I feel that it is OK to mix it up a little. At about the ¾ point of the mass, you shake hands with the people around you and wish them peace. It is custom to say, "Peace BE with you." I, however, like to use the phrase, "Peace ON you" because it sounds bad but really is not.

Lastly, don't be surprised when the deacon (the old guy who chimes in every once in a while and sits next to the priest) spends an unusual amount of effort cleaning, wiping, rubbing, polishing, and stacking the dishes used for communion. Hamstrings quivering, you need to continue kneeling until this very important ritual is complete.

I know it is a lot to absorb, so if you don't get it right the first time there is always next Sunday ... or Christmas.

Happy Easter, everyone.