So, we're pregnant.

Well, mostly, she's pregnant.

When we decided to go for Kid #1, it went something like this:

Her: What do you think about having a child?

Me: Having a child do what?

Her: No, you dumb arse, us having a kid of our own?

Me: Oh, what happened to the get rich and travel the world plan?

Her: It's just that I'm not getting any younger and if are going to do it we should do it sooner rather than later.

Me: Hey, you know me, I'm all about doing it, here, there, everywhere. When do we get started?

... and about 2 minutes later, Kid #1 was conceived.

Kid #2 took a lot longer. I know what you're thinking, I had a few beers and stretched it out to 5 minutes. No, no, no, it took us over a year get bun #2 in the oven. Yep, a whole year of bang-chicka-bang-bang. Every day, three times a day. Well, for her it was more like once a week, but hey, you've got to stay in game shape because when the coach calls your number you've got to be ready to go in and perform, right? Right?

OK, let's get to the first doctor's office visit. This is where you hold your breath and make a whole lot of promises to God. The waiting room at the ObGyn is awesome because one glance at all the women reminds me of one of those Darwin evolution posters--big, bigger, biggest, I THINK I SEE THE HEAD OF THE BABY COMING OUT.

Now, I'm one of those husbands that likes to actively participate in the whole process, so keep that in mind as you read on. Eventually, Nurse Ratched called our name, and first on the to-do list was to get weighed.

The wife:136 lbs. Me: 183 lbs. Me, without shoes: 181 lbs. Me, without shoes, wallet, cell phone, keys and flapping arms like a bird: 180 lbs.

Neither the wife nor Nurse Ratched were amused, and I was instructed to wait in the examination room while the wife wizzed in a cup. A few minutes later, she came in said:

Wife: Would you please be serious, this is important.

Me: Hey, what do you think this does? (me squeezing the inflatable bulb on the blood pressure thing)

Wife: Just stop it. What if the doctor comes in?

Me: Fine. One last question, do you think they'd mind if I took a pair of those plastic gloves?

Wife: STOP IT NOW or so help me ...

Doctor: (knock, knock) Hello, you must be the Kelemans. Is this your first child?

Wife: No, we already have a wonderful 4-year-old.

Me: Wonderful? I wouldn't go that far beca...

Doctor: Oh that's nice, and what do you do for a living, Mrs. Keleman?

Me: She works at Hooters...

Emergency Room Doc: Just lie back down, Mr. Keleman, and take it easy.

Me: Wha...what happened?

Emergency Room Doc: You just experienced a severe case of PWSLBOOHE, or what we in the medical profession call pregnant-wife-shoots-lightning-bolts-out-of-her-eyes.

Me: Whew, for a moment I thought it was something serious. With Kid #1, I got hit with PWSLBOOHE countless times. OK then, see you next month.

Yep, that was week 12. Only 28 weeks to go before Kid #2 comes out.

Here's a preview of what happened in week 13:

4-year-old son: Mommy, how come your belly is so fat?

Wife: It's because Mommy has a baby in her belly.

Me: Yeah, well, how many babies do you have stuck in that giant caboose of yours?

Emergency Room Doc: Nice to see you again, Mr. Keleman ...