Women are smart.
After watching the DNC you've got Michelle.
On the other side you've got Sarah Palin.
Who could forget Hillary and her 18 million cracks (too bad Bill, I've already got the porno rights to this one).
Cunning.
Clever.
Calculating.
Yes, they are.
Beware.
Why?
Glad you asked.
It all started simple, kind of like the big bang theory. I was busy at work trying to find shelf space for our latest shipment of The Mighty Joe Dong when I hear an angelic voice from above, Mort our phone guy, "The Dreamsquelcher is on line one."
"Yes dear, what is it? Is everything ok?" (she's 9 months pregnant, you see, hence the urgency in my voice)
<Sniff> "Everything is fine."
"Ooookay. So what's up?"
"What's UP? WHAT'S UP? "
On the other end of the line I heard her inhale. It was a sucking sound, a sound...well, imagine standing at the cusp of a black hole that is sitting on the cusp of another black hole, that is sitting on the cusp of...you get the idea.
"YouNEVERdoanythingaroundthehouse&IamsotiredofCONSTANTLYmakingdinners&
makingsureYOURsonhascleanclothes&YOUspendtoomuchmoneyonBOOZE
whenIamtryingtoplanforourCHILDREN'SFUTURE&didImentionthatIDOEVERYTHING
aroundthehouseyouWORTHLESSMOTHER$%*#$R?"
"Um...I...love...you?"
<Click>
A kind man, a weak man, would heed his pregnant wife's complaints. I am, and never will be a heeder. Therefore, I put my two brain cells to work and formed a diabolical plan that would forever put to rest the question of my work ethic. As Mort is my witness, she will pay, buuuha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha <cough><hack> ha-ha-ha-ha.
The first thing I did when I got home, after stopping at the pub for a pint or twelve, was to address the part about how I "NEVERdoanythingaroundthehouse" by vacuuming the basement and sweeping the chimney.
Take that.
Next in my master plan was to tackle the "CONSTANTLYmakingdinners" by, well, making dinner, a nice mushroom, pasta, and haggis recipe.
OH YEAH!
Now it was time to address the "makingsureYOURsonhascleanclothes."
I sort laundry this way; whites and all others.
WHAT'S THAT SOUND? D'LAUNDRY, d'laundry. ddddd'laundry.
By this time I had forgotten to put the laundry in the dryer because I was too busy watching Days of Our Lives. I figured that she had learned her lesson. However, to make sure that my 33 minutes of hard work would not be overlooked I decided to mope around the house for the next 2 weeks.
In the end, fellas, I've got to give them this, they are tricky and if you don't watch it, they'll bend ya like a wookie. Be like the cancer-bicycle-tour-d-France-guy and stay strong.
I've got more to say, however, today's "honey-do" list longer than a frozen Mighty Joe.
Kid #2 is due out the love chute on September 27. Therefore, now is the time to place your bet on the day, time, and sex. Price Is Right rules and the winner gets a bottle of something slightly above average, but not too decent.