Article Contributed on: 10/16/2008 3:02:03 PM
Alright, I'll need to keep this short and sweet, much like Kid #2 was conceived. It all started like this...(enter flashback effects now).
7:00 a.m. and I'm just getting out of the shower when:
Prego Wife: Don't hurry, you're not going to work today.
Naked Me: ...why?
Prego Wife: We're having a baby today, my water broke around 4 a.m.
Naked Me: Whew, I thought I peed the bed.
Prego Wife: Get dressed, get the stuff and lets go to the hospital.
1:00 p.m. we're at the hospital and the wife is hooked up to a bunch of monitors and I'm bored.
Me: Hey, what do you think this think does?
Laboring Wife: I don't know, just leave it aloooooooOOOOOOooooooon.
Me: Hey, guess what, this monitor shows that you just had a contraction and...
Laboring Wife: DO YOU REALLY THINK I NEED A
F$%@ING MACHINE TO TELL ME THAT?
Me: Whoa, watch the cuss words, remember, the baby can hear your voice.
<Enter the Doctor>
Dr: Well Mrs. Keleman, you are progressing very slowly. I'll check back in a few hours but we may have to consider a C-section.
Me: C-section? Ahhh, kind of like in Empire Strikes Back when Han Solo slices open the Tauntaun and shoves Luke inside to keep him warm, but in reverse.
Dr:...um, no, not exactly. Mrs. Keleman do you want something for the pain?
Mrs. Keleman: I can deal with the contractions but can you give me something to deal with the pain-in-the-arse over there?
Pain-In-The-Arse: Whoa, honey, did you forget what we discussed about foul language?
7:30 p.m.
Dr: I'm sorry Mrs. Keleman but the opening to your love cave just isn't getting big enough for you to shove the kid through and I think...
Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop with all the technical medical lingo doc, just give it to us straight, is the little burrito coming out o'natural or are you going to have to reach in and get em?
8:00 p.m. The decision is made, C-section it is, I'm dressed in scrubs and ready to assist.
Nurse: OK, come with me and I'll take you to the operating room where your wife is.
Me: Mmmrphhh.
Nurse: Please pull down your mask so I can understand you.
Me: Oh, sorry, I get kind of woozy at the sight of blood is that going to be a problem?
Nurse: You've got to be kidding.
Me: No really, can't you give me 300 cc's of something?
Nurse: Put your mask back on jacka...
8:23 p.m.
Dr: Congratulations, you have a brand new...
Me: Baby GIRL? I knew it.
Dr: ...healthy baby boy!
Wife: Great, 3 Keleman boys, doc can you UP the pain medication?
Ben Edward Keleman, 9 pounds - 10 oz, 22 inches long, born 10/15/08.
No wine recommendation, but I did buy some cigars for the guys and much to my wife's dismay I think that cigars might be my next habit.