Okay, so I've had to breathe deeply and count to ten and do all of the things my counselor says I should do when I'm angry. I sent an email to my CSE caseworker using phrases like "I feel" and "I should have" and "What I would like from you is". It's true - I'm angry, but the CSE should not be the dumping ground for all of my frustrations regarding this situation. (That's what blogging is for, right?) There are a few things I wanted to get straight before moving on in my new found enjoyment for blogging though.

Number 1: I chose this man. No one need remind me of that fact. I made my bed and now I'm lying in it. Here's the thing though... last I checked - when making a child, it's supposed to be a double bed. Further, I must make this point with perfect clarity: no matter what life faces me with, no matter how difficult this becomes, no matter how pathetic a man he is - I do not regret my decision to have a child with that man. To do so would be to regret one of the most beautiful people I have ever known in my life. I always say that he had but one drop of goodness in him and I get to wake up to her beautiful smile every day. I do not regret or resent my daughter in any way, so don't tell me, "You made your bed..." I am accepting responsibility for my actions, I haven't had a night out or even a moment of "me-time" in two years. I don't buy new shoes or peer through the latest fashions because diapers and dolly's are what's needed, but my daughter is not a mistake. I put her first not because I'm obligated - but because she's my daughter and I love her. Every child is a responsibility that should be shared by both parents.

Number 2: All fathers are not deadbeat dads. As a matter of fact, the father of my two older children has taken on a fraction of the financial responsibility for my youngest. He does not have to - but he's a good dad and a good man who does not want to see me struggle so badly. If it weren't for him writing me a check yesterday, we really would be living in the Volvo come next month. I got to go grocery shopping last night and buy actual food for my family. It's sad to think it as a luxury instead of a necessity - but I was able to finally buy toothpaste. I was able to buy the pull-ups my daughter needs; we had to revert back to diapers because it was all the food bank had. Now she's discombobulated by the whole diapers to big-girl pants, back to diapers and now back to big-girl pants again. One way or the other, I would not have been able to properly care for all of my children if it weren't for my ex-husband. What cut me to the core as I looked at that check was that he should not feel as though he has to step up and do something. Her father is perfectly capable of financially accepting the support that has been delegated by the court. It's not like the court just threw out an unreasonable number. They looked at his education level (do you have any idea what I would do with a Master's Degree in Environmental Administration??), they asked him what he made in his most recent career and they looked at his medical bills that he had no problem paying at the time of service. See - his family does not believe in health insurance, but he needed an outpatient surgery which all told cost him approximately $14,000. He paid by checks... out of the same bank account that the court ordered him to disclose the last three years of activity. He ignored the request because he knew full-well what they would find. You'll never guess what they did to punish his contempt of court... yep- you guessed it, nothing at all.

So please do not misunderstand me and think that I do not see the other side of things. I'm living both sides of things. On one hand I've got a father who I share fifty/fifty custody with - he's a simple forklift driver who doesn't rake in the big bucks or anything, but he's a good dad doing the best that he knows how. We work great together as a parenting team (we just failed miserably as husband & wife) and he's putting forth more effort than should be expected of him. On the other hand, my 2-year-old's father has not seen her since she was 12-days-old, not because I won't let him, but because he's a convicted child abuser charged with abusing our daughter. Court orders mandate that he see her in a professionally supervised facility only. The truth is, she simply means nothing to him. When we found out she was a girl, his whole family had the same exact reaction: "Oh, well, that's okay, you can try again." I thank God every single day because had she been a boy, this would be a very different fight. The point is, my family should not be struggling and the only reason we are is because this man is the epitome of narcissism.

And lastly, Number 3: Yes - I know, life isn't fair. I'm not writing this blog because I expect someone to come along with all the answers or even some of the answers. I'm writing this blog because it's helping me heal. Selfish, yes - but what if one woman reads this and figures out that it will not be easy to pack up the kids and literally place her family in the darkest bowels of homelessness in order to escape a life that can only be described as hell on Earth... but it is NOT impossible. It is hard, it's a long and difficult battle and sometimes you think, "Maybe I should go back, he said he wouldn't do it again. I can't feed my kids; at least there we had a roof over our heads and food in our belly's." If I never receive a dime of that child support, if we end up living in the car... we're better now than we were there.

Maybe my motives aren't so selfish after all.