First let me start by following up on my CSE case. I finally got a call from the supervisor of my caseworker. She explained to me the computerized schedule that automatically triggers things like license suspension, bank liens, tax interception and so forth. She also explained to me that when a guy has the money and the means to hire an attorney, it makes the job much more difficult because then he has a slimy snake who can alter the law. We all know it's not about justice - it's about how good your attorney is. So even though this man can walk into court with a $300/hour attorney - he's going to get off of the contempt charges caused by his inability to pay his child support. Can someone please explain this to me? One way or the other, I don't have any fight left in me. I just can't do it anymore.

Next I'd like to talk about pride. As I've already discussed, I made the choice to be with and stay with the man who terrorized my family. My decisions were based solely on fear. When a man looks you in the eye while you're holding your 5 day old infant and explains that if you ever leave he will kill both of you, her first so you can watch what you love most die before you do, you listen. You fear. My counselor told me the other day that 98% of battered women either go back or they end up in another violent relationship. 98% - that is a staggering number to me, but I get it. It has been the hardest thing in the world for me to struggle through this on my own. I can understand why some women may find it worth the cost to have that stability. I don't. And let me make this perfectly clear - there are very few resources for battered women who actually choose to leave. There are your thirty to sixty day shelters, but we're talking about rebuilding your life from scratch here.

I've been involved in an email conversation the last couple of days with a woman who has been in my shoes. She has made a suggestion to me that has my pride tied up in knots. See, since I left him two years ago I've done my very best to "do it on my own." I have accepted a handout here and there, but I have not put myself out there and literally asked for help financially. My pride won't let me. Somewhere in my mind there's this voice shouting at me, "You got yourself into this - now get yourself out." Like I said before - I made my bed and now I'm lying in it. I don't regret my daughter, but I do regret the situation my family is currently in. While I'm doing everything in my power to make the situation livable, it's simply not enough. My car is falling apart and I've got more monthly bills than I have monthly income.

The suggestion made to me was what my own mind considers "begging"; to write a letter to all of the local dealerships explaining my situation and requesting a donation. See, here's the thing - you can find all kinds of places who will accept a car donation, but try to find a place that actually tries to place them with needy families. I've donated three different vehicles in my life. I have no idea who they went to or who they helped out, I just assumed the company I was giving to was legit. I've become very skeptical now because when you go to a car auction, they're selling all of these donated cars. Now we're not talking about helping out a disadvantaged family who needs a vehicle; we're talking about cold hard cash going towards.... What?

I'm a single mother of three children with a good job in a solid company and I'm going to lose it if I can't travel all of the way out to DTC to work. I've already checked RTD, we're talking about a three hour ride each way. I can't drop off my kids at daycare until 6:30 and I have to pick them up by 6:00. You do the math, that leaves me with only five and a half hours to work. The car I currently drive is a gas-guzzling wreck of a car being held together by tape and wire. The smells that come from it are atrocious and the sounds tell me it won't last much longer. What can I do? I have no money - zero. I'm not sitting out on the corner with a cardboard box playing on the generosity of other people with a take-home nontaxable $20,000 monthly income (I heard that's what they make these days sitting on street corners). I'm a good person who made some bad decisions and I'm working as hard as I can to root myself in a company where I can grow and one day thrive. Without a working vehicle, I will lose that. What do I do??

Do I swallow my pride and send out letters saying, "Hi - I'm a moron who chose a man who beat me and my kids up. I chose not to go back, hooray for me, but now I'm struggling bad because that same man has the money to hire an attorney to explain to a court that he can't afford to pay his child support. Will you give me a car?" Maybe it's that voice he put in the back of my head telling me that I am "absolutely nobody" talking here... but why should I deserve that kind of generosity?