September 28, 2007
Local Writer Posts Record 3000 th Article
By Stan Dyer
Critics and experts said it could not be done. The number was just too high and out of reach for any modern writer to surpass in a normal career. Well, they were wrong. Despite controversy and amidst accusations of cheating, blood doping and performance enhancing drug use, the old record fell last week and new one is set with each new story.
As soon as the monumental article hit the internet, fans scrambled to grab it for their own. One lucky reader, who narrowly escaped injury when security guards rescued him from a frantic mob, eventually, snatched the article. Within an hour, the prize was up for bid on Ebay where bidding quickly surpassed the .04 mark and promised to go even higher. The lucky fan, who wished to remain anonymous, commented to reporters, "Well, I won't retire on this one, but at least I'll make a name for myself!" He refused repeated requests to identify himself.
The present high bidder stated his determination to win the bidding for the article. He told reporters he would take the figure as high as necessary, even if it approached and passed the $1.50 mark! He also said he plans to have a vote on his website to allow fans to determine if the record setting article should be donated to the Hall of Fame in Hoboken, (with an asterisk), or strapped to a bottle rocket in a time capsule and launched into outer space.
The writer's personal trainer immediately responded to criminal accusations related to the article stating he knew of "no incidents of cheating and never assisted in any blood doping". As far as the performance enhancing drug charges, the trainer did admit to providing the writer with numerous pots of coffee and, on occasion, a gin martini or two, shaken, not stirred. He also said he did not know what the plans of the author were, but that the author's contract was not renewed for the upcoming season and no job offers were forthcoming.
The author could not be contacted for comment, but rumors are floating that he intends to keep writing even if he has to take the designated writer role from the Holyoke Farm and Ranch Report. People close to the organization claim the author has stated an interest in raising the current record as well as reaching for other records along the way, but only the future will tell if he is healthy enough to continue his run. Doctors report treating the author for serious carpal tunnel syndrome and are considering the "Tommy John Surgery" to repair shoulder damage. Also, failed laser surgery combined with years of untreated eye strain have reportedly left the famed author legally blind and unable to distinguish his keyboard from his toaster, but these facts cannot be substantiated.
No matter how this story ends, there is no doubt that the controversy surrounding the event and the media frenzy associated with the "Chase for 3000" will go down in the annuals of reporting and marks a significant change in modern trends. Asterisk or not, few can deny that there is a renewed interest in writing all around the world, and especially in High School students, looking for heroes, who are now opening books for the first time in their lives while discovering that keyboards can be used for more than text messaging.