My sister says I am being left behind on the information highway because I know absolutely nothing about computers. I guess I should have been born in the horse and buggy era, but then again I probably would have had trouble steering the buggy, and as far as feeding the horse goes, the only thing I'm certain about is I would have put Horsey Sauce on all its sustenance. Arby's, are you reading me?

A few times I have gone to the library to obtain information on a computer. The librarian has been very helpful. She explains exactly what to do, and I immediately forget what she's just said. Of course, I don't tell her. I tend to subscribe to the dictum 'Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought an idiot than to open it and leave no doubt.' So I end up asking an 8-year-old on the computer next to mine what to do. He knows. Do you realize how humiliating that can be? At 61, I still have a smidgen of pride left.

Here are a just a few of the confusing computer words I've encountered and what they conjure up in my miniscule brain.

World Wide Web: Gee everyone knows there are spiders everywhere.

Access on the Internet: Oops, I keep confusing access with axis - a line around which a turning body rotates or may be supposed to rotate. My body obviously does not rotate but goes straight ahead not caring to look to my periphery for any computers.

Internet: Isn't that a situation where two fishermen squabble over which catch belongs to whom after their respective fishing gear becomes intertwined?

Megabyte: a huge mouthful of food and Gigabyte: something that tastes funny.

Hardware: what knights wore and Software: a cashmere sweater.

Floppy Disk: Some sort of back problem.

Search Engine: Oh, someone lost his train?

Google: An overzealous ogle and Yahoo: a kind of chocolate beverage, yes?

Hard drives: what Colorado commuters have with a big snow.

Modems: what Congress has now.

It's all too much for my simple mind to comprehend. I wasn't always so clueless. I own my present insensibility to age. When I was in college a while back, (Hint: At the time, the Badlands were merely a little bit naughty, and the Dead Sea was ailing only slightly), I wrote a paper on teaching machines, which was what some computers were called at the time. I recently came across that paper and could not believe that I had penned something so brilliant, but there it was with a big red 'A' at the top.

What provider to choose for service and how much? Hey, are we talking computers or health insurance plans?