It's 11:00a.m. on this Thanksgiving morning and I am currently sitting next to Grandpa No Pants. You heard me, and this is not just a, "I unbuttoned my pants because of a full tummy," situation. We have not even eaten yet! This is a case of, stand up, drop pants to ankles, and sit back down.

My dad and I glance at each other as if to say, "What the hell is going on? Has he finally lost it? Should we drop our pants too?" Then my Grandma comes over and hands him a bag of ice. I guess Dad and I were in full Football Zone Out Mode and missed the, "I have a bum knee that must be iced immediately while I am sitting on the couch, right next to my grandson," speech. Dad now nudges me and says, "I guess it makes sense... right?"

It's now 12:30p.m. and my sister just walked in. Thank God! Before now it was just me, my folks and my grandparents, and I was getting a little bored of answering questions about my thrilling new administrative assistant position. When my sister walks in they all race to the door to greet her. Yes, partially cause they want to hug her and say hello, and also because she is in her last year of medical school.

She is looking into dermatology and let's just say they all feel this is a great time to get a free check up. During the next 30 minutes my sister is bombarded with "What's this spot here," "Look at this mole," "My lips are especially dry," and "Boy! Am I glad I have my pants down so you can look at this dark area right here!"

It's 12:45p.m. and I try and find a drink while my sister acts as " Dermatologist Distractionist." But my mission for parchment fails. Seems mom has scoured this place clean in order to pay respects to our conservative churchgoing elders. I sit back down defeated. Dad sitting next to me in the Lazy-Boy leans over and hands me a large soda. It is my conciliation prize. I take a sip and... Mmmm! This Coke has got a little captain in it! Dad looks at me and we both smile.

(Two things about that last paragraph. 1. I am not an alcoholic, I swear... or is this just denial? 2. Dad, if mom happens to read this, I am sorry for the smack that you will soon be receiving.)

It's 1:00p.m. and it's time for dinner. I am happy to be eating a home cooked meal. It has been a while. I forget though that my mom has purchased everything precooked from Marie Calender's. How can I describe this dinner? I guess the best way is to call it The Biggest Frozen TV Dinner Ever Made. I wished it had come in one enormous plastic container with separate compartments for the turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing. It didn't though. Everything was by itself and frozen which I didn't really understand. She still had to cook a full frozen turkey so it didn't save any time. The turkey was decent, the ham actually looked like a hot dog and it tasted like spam, but the pie was good. Isn't it all just a prelude to pie anyways?

I know it sounds like I had a horrible Thanksgiving. It was quite the opposite though. I had a wonderful, memorable, and loving Thanksgiving. I focus on the bad because I find humor in it and I am not the type to write a big sensitive Chicken Soup for the Soul type story. It just ain't me. To Mom, Dad, Holly, Heather, Papa, Mama, and Grandma, I love you all and can't wait to see you next year.

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