What parent within driving distance of a school has not spent a day just smiling, thinking to herself, 'Wow. Life is really good.'... especially while sitting in the afternoon parent pick-up line after school? It is a true wimp who does not enjoy this experience, right? The pro-wrestling of parenting, as we wait in line, follying forth to gather up our children and race them off to whatever activities follow the academic day that was just completed.

In my time well-spent ruminating many things, from Captain Cook's mizzenmasts, to making challah bread with five braids instead of the traditional four, I did notice that there are a veritable number of people who pick up their children, shimmering, weaving, stomping and braking in the after school lines every day.

The Spatula Liberty Parent Pancake. First and foremost, these people park in the lot entitled "do not park in this lot for pick up or drop off" to pick up their kids. They are the ones who, after the carpool line has begun to wend its way forward, have decidedly stepped out in front of Paige's Ford Excursion without making eye contact, assuming Paige is having a good hair day and does not fancy parent pancakes. If you are going to cross the parking lot when you shouldn't be there in the first place, make eye contact. Get in touch with your guilt. Don't make me bring out the spatula when you become a speed bump because you ushered your kids out in front of MY car, assuming you are on my mind like a good convolution.

The Valet. This is the parent who holds up the entire line to open the passenger door for their child. This wouldn't be such an issue, if said parent didn't also remove their coat, backpack, fluff pillows, and probably provide airline entertainment in the interrim, complete with nuts and those spiffy little airplane magazines.

The Man from NoWhere This is the father who has, for the first time, unbeknownst to the FBI and the laws of Area 51, come togather his child from school. He first drives past the pick-up line thinking it is parking. Ha-ha! HE thinks the line actually moves. So, after he scouts the scene for visual information, a lady will roll down her window and help the poor fellow. He smiles, looks thankful, and then proceeds to the front of the pick-up line, nearly side-swiping three buses and a Spatula Liberty Parent Pancake.

The Carpool Shark Do you smell blood? She does! This is the parent in the silver-sleek mini van chatting on her smell phone. She has perhaps a single toddler in the car and she hides in the alley waiting until the last minute when she can chomp into line with the alacrity of Stephen Spielberg's mechanical maniacal menace of the merge. She is the mistress of the evil eye while she cuts into line because you did not let her in fast enough.

Pardon me, Do you have any Grey pou-matter-pon? This is the woman who usually knows the car shark. She drives the red-colored mini van up next to carpool's in the oncoming lane to visit with her, despite the fact that both of them possess smell phones and are not afraid to use them. They chat up one another while buses and people politely wait for their conversation to end and the flow of traffic can, again, commence.

Smell Phone Sally This is the woman who is talking to her DH, her friend, or the local radio chat show while she is sitting in the line, twiddling her hair. She is the one who pays no attention when the cars begin to roll because she is deeply engrossed in conversations about the state of the universe, pot roasts, and hair coloring. Add to this, one of her hands is not on the steering wheel...so, instead of the 10-and-2 positioning which is recommended by driver's education courses in all 49 states and Colorado, her hand is on the twelve. And it's HIGH NOON, baby! She is the one who looks surprised when she realizes she drove through the pick-up line with some kid named Mort, and her son is still in the line waving at her.

The polite offender This is the person who waits for EVERY car to cut into line and for EVERY squirrel to retrieve his nuts from the roadway before she inches forward to let more people in (like the carpool shark and the clueless dad). As soon as she inches forward, and has followed Newton's second law of physics, she, again, breaks said law, causing drivers behind her to wish they had an apple to shove into her exhaust pipe. These are people with nowhere to go after school. The pick up line in the afternoon is their sole social outing of the day, so they want to make a good thing last by sharing their time with us. Mary Tyler Moore might be entranced but I am not. Stop the madness!

The AMC that time forgot This is the Pacer that, despite the best efforts of man, bondo and duct tape, combined while under a full moon at full tide in the house of Jupiter, can not make itself start when the line begins to move. You will be stuck behind this person or you can use your skills as a Renaissance thinker. You can choose to either wait until the people behind you back up and let you past the retro metallic heap, or you can elect to gently push the Pacer forward with your bumper. Driver of the car will either think he is really driving, or appreciates that you have pushed him forward towards his goal of picking up school kids while enjoying a ride not terribly unlike one at Chuck E cheeses!

The Line Leader this is the person who is in the front of the line every day. The mystics do not, themselves, know exactly how early this gentleman arrives, nor where he comes from. I have tracked this man as Ishmael his blubbery big pigment-challenged foe, and I, despite my best efforts to show up as early as 30 minutes before the line has moved, have only made it as close to the front as fifth.

Space Vector Hector This is the parent I also refer to as Mama Mia, Kia Sephia! for this person's uncanny ability to begin a chain reaction the likes of which have only been generated through the discoveries of quantum physics theories and home-made marshmallows. This person leaves a good five feet of space in front of his or her vehicle. This, in and of itself, is not the problem. The problem inherent is that when this driver needs this cushion of space, subconsciously, a reaction ensues whereby suddenly 3 cars take up the space of 6 potential parent vehicles, thereby creating less parking bang for our buck and forcing parents around the corner when you could easily place a tract home in between each other the vehicles caught in the madness of vector peer pressure.

... but then there is me:

The Mother who just might be a little funny if you know what I mean This is the person such as yours truly, who notices people actually differ in style and character in after school pick up lines. Why? Because, I'm a mother! Don't question me! (Well, that always worked for MY mother).

So, there you have it. Until next time, keep your beans out of the fire pit.

This is the VanEaton Family, signing off from Longmont, Colorado, Home of 82, 955 really nice people, three cranky ones, and one who uses 2 parking spots at Super Target.