Performance Review.
Why do those two words make our stomachs knot up? What is it about this annual event that can make me feel like a gangly 12 year old sitting across from the school principal? Even with the best of bosses, who believe that there should be no surprises in an annual review (and I have been one of those bosses), something about being evaluated brings back those old fears.
Because, you see, in my childhood, I was constantly judged, and found wanting. Even when I know I am competent at a job, there is still that small child within me asserting that, "If they only knew what I was really like inside, they would find me unacceptable." There is a deep inner place where I have believed as truth that I am somehow intrinsically flawed.
This belief is shared by many survivors of childhood abuse and trauma. At Mary's Hope Workshops, (
www.maryshope.org) we call it spiritual woundedness. Through the traumatic events of our childhood, there developed a disconnect from the Holy, from that which created us and proclaimed that we are fully acceptable and truly loved.
If this spiritual woundedness is not addressed and healed, the adult survivor carries the burden of worth-less-ness into the many facets of life. Which brings me back to the performance review. For a survivor, the annual review can be a no win event. If the report is bad, it reinforces our belief that we are worth less than others. If it is a good report, we tend to go back to that "If they only knew" tape. It can be very difficult for survivors to accept positive feedback, and can be devastating to receive a negative report.
Today was a hallmark day for me. Today I had my performance review. It included some strengths and some weaknesses, both of which I am learning to admit and accept. Today, it wasn't about that in-the-principal's-office sinking feeling, nor was it about my "grade". Today I didn't feel worth-less. Today, I was able to celebrate my successes and embrace my challenges, knowing that I am beloved of my Creator for who I am, not just for what I do. And just so you know, it hasn't always been like that for me.
If you are a survivor of childhood abuse or trauma, perhaps you can relate to this story. Perhaps you are wondering how on earth I managed to get from a place of worth-less-ness to a place of worthiness. I invite you to check out the Mary's Hope Workshop website, www.maryshope.org , and consider attending one or both of our upcoming workshops:
Shattered Souls: An Overview of theWounded Soul on January 10, 2009 16738 E. Iliff Ave. Aurora, CO, and our 7 hour
Introductory Workshop, Spiritual Healing and Recovery for Survivors ofChild Abuse January 24, 2009 in Boulder, CO.
Haven't you been hurting long enough? Pre-registration required. Call 303-377-0293 or email us at
maryshope@qwestoffice.net.