Everyone is always saying what an incompetent boob the president is. It doesn't matter which party is in residence. Many on the right will say that Clinton was a skirt-chasing, bleeding heart liberal who was light on foreign policy. Many say Bush is a barely literate war-monger with an I.Q. similarly to that of box of rocks.

I'm sure they both have good points as well. My buddies in the service say they never worry about having enough ammo when a republican is in office. Then again, when slick Willy was in office, I wasn't paying three bucks a gallon for gas and selling my sperm and blood to cover the usurious interest rates on my credit cards (I mean really, how dare them? Charge me money to use their money? Any way, the joke's on them. I'm shooting blanks).

What this country really needs is someone to unite all citizens. I believe I am that someone. I believe all can agree, republican, democrat, and independent alike, on the boobishness of my incompetence. A winning smile, sales experience, a short attention span, and a reasonably consistent conscience make me at least as good a candidate as Ross Perot.

Following are a few ideas I'm mulling over for my platform:

Being from Colorado, I would ride the wave of our cutting edge efforts to legalize the pot. You know, Mary Jane. Maybe we could even make it a food additive. You know, kind of take the edge off for everyone. Can't we all get along? I can see the posters now. In the old days, it was a chicken in every pot. My slogan will be "Pot in every chicken!" We can actually add it to all poultry. I will propose legislation to make Thanksgiving a five day holiday. Between the tryptophan and the THC, nobody's moving for a few days. This will also create jobs, as the food delivery industry will see a significant up tick. Shoot, if it's legal we can at least tax the crap out of it like gas and cigarettes.

If elected, I promise my first course of action will be to assemble the heads of Exxon, BP, Conoco, and the other robber-barons in the oval office and kick each one square in the crotch. "There you go Rockefeller, that's how Joe and Jane six pack feel every time they fill up. So what do you folks think we can do about these gas prices? I got steel-toed Doc's in the closet. I can do this all day. I've been taking Tae-bo."

I will propose legislation that anyone who tries to merge on an interstate going forty miles per hour will immediately forfeit his or her license, the vehicle will be sold at auction with proceeds going to the national treasury, and they will be deported to some desolate place. I'm thinking Nebraska.

My take on foreign policy is this: Is this country talking crap? Do we owe them money? Yes? Bomb 'em back to the stone age. Also, If we go to war on any other country's behalf, they will be required to forgive half any debt we owe them. We will not, I repeat not, rebuild the infrastructure of the country whose arse we just kicked. "Your factories and highways are in shambles? Guess you won't be peeing on my tree again, huh?" We'll call this the "check yourself before you wreck yourself" policy.

Any senator or congressman caught trying to add pork-barrel spending measures onto vital legislation will be required to sit down with terminal cancer patients and explain to them why we can't fund more research than we're doing now, but we can find 13.5 million dollars for the International Fund for Ireland to fund such projects as the World Toilet Summit.

I believe it is important for the president to be steadfast in his beliefs regardless of what others say of think about him. It is for this reason; I will appoint Jared Keller as my National Security Advisor and will value his counsel. He has anti-terrorist experience and is also a great legal mind. Should others doubt or mock our direction in this area his response will likely be to cite existing statue or case law - perhaps the precedent set in Rubber v. Glue, 1953, wherein the majority opinion held that, and I quote:

The plaintiff in this case - being rubber - is found to be in a superior position - both morally, and litigiously - and is therefore accurate in his claim that the defendant is indeed glue, and whatever defendant says bounces off of plaintiff, and, in fact, sticks to said defendant." (Thanks to Jared for all the italicized content. I told you I'd use it.)

Most importantly, it will be vital to pick a suitable running mate. I believe Joe McDaniel is a prime candidate. He has contacts all over the world, a vast base of life experience, and it is very likely he will outlive me. "One heartbeat away from a McDaniel presidency" could be considered a selling point. He's also one hell of a nice guy. I think he could bury Lloyd Benson in a debate, too, if it ever came to something like that.

Remember; in November of 2008 write in Bill and Joe. Your life may just depend on it. Sorry, wanted to scare you into voting, but "vote or die" just sounds so east coast gangsta rap.