This was the actual headline of a story on the ABC 7 News website ( www.thedenverchannel.com). My heart almost skipped a beat! "I don't know if the infrastructure can support any shrinkage!" my suddenly racing mind thought. As I was considering suing the city of Denver for its complicity in the wounding of my "little guy", I noticed that the story said high levels of pollutants may reduce the size of sexual organs in polar bears. Relieved, I thought, "Wow. Sucks to be a polar bear."

Apparently a Danish study found a correlation between reduced size of PBG (polar bear genitalia: never thought I'd put those three words together in a blog) and the levels of organohalogen compounds, otherwise known as industrial pollutants, in their systems. I don't know what pastry has to do with polar bear penii, but I would think organohalogen compounds (hereafter referred to as OHC's) would make their willies glow instead of shrinking them. Can't you just imagine Peter and Paula polar bear out for a walk? "Ooh, Peter, is that the northern lights?" "Naw, that just Phil having a tinkle." (I know, soft p. So sue me.)

It seems the blubber of seals accumulates high levels of OHC's, which act like hormones in the bears' systems, thereby reducing genital size. And I thought blubber just made my willie look smaller. There is fear that genital shrinkage will endanger the polar bear population by diminishing their sex lives. If you've ever heard a female polar bear laugh, you know this is a very real concern.

OHC's also contributed to smaller uteri in female polar bears. Any male polar bear will tell you it's just not the same, though. You're with all your buddies at the ol' seal grounds and some smart alec says,"Hey, Fred, that looks like a herring, only smaller!" I mean what do you say to the guys? "Dude, is your penis getting smaller?" Harrumph, harrumph, "Uh, no... I think I just got a hold of some bad seal." Like they're going to buy that.

UPI (United Press International) goes on to say that a large penis is critical for successful reproduction in an arctic climate. Duh! You think? Let me put it this way. Have you ever tried to get your kit on in a survival suit? Enough said. I mean, really, if it's 60 below I'm sure I'm going to lose at least 30% of the volume right of the bat.

All I can say to my polar bear brethren is better you than me, guys. But don't ever let it be said that I left a brother hangin'; sorry, bad choice of words. I'm going to give you a few suggestions that may help you out. Understand that I'm throwing these out as theories, as I've never had this, ahem, problem myself.

You might try mowing the south forty, if you know what I mean. If it can't be bigger, it can at least look bigger. I also hear that some girls like their boys a little freaky. Trust me, dudes, it'll work. Need proof? Go to IHOP and order the big breakfast. Place the sausage between the two eggs; cover the top of the sausage and the eggs with your hash browns. Not overly impressive, huh? Now eat the hash browns only. Looks a lot bigger now, huh?

Or try this. New from Ronco!! The polar pump! Don't worry about the mailman spilling the beans, boys. Each Polar Pump comes shipped in discriminate brown paper packaging.

Order in the next twenty-four hours and receive a handy carrying case with genuine Saskatchewan seal skin bindings absolutely free!

Of course, the last thing that went through my mind as I read this story was "whose job is it to measure the polar bear penii?" Does that job come with dental? Imagine filling out your tax return online. How far down do you have to scroll before you come across polar bear penii measurer? Think about it from the polar bear's viewpoint. I imagine they shoot them with a tranquilizer gun. The bear wakes up and thinks, "Wow that was a hot dream! Or maybe I just have to pee." If only we could talk to the animals. Calling Dr. Doolittle!

Remember, my polar Brohams, it's not the size of the icicle, it's how long it keeps from melting. Stay tuned for the "Save the Polar Bear Penii!" bumper stickers coming soon to an incense shop near you.