In the last several decades, more and more human beings have been attacked by wild animals. Now, the gentlemen with the pocket protectors and the white coats would have you believe that this rise in attacks is due to urban sprawl. That is to say that man has moved into the natural habitats of these animals, limiting their food resources and desensitizing them to presence of humans, and thus, eliminating their innate avoidance of humans. I am here to tell you that anyone who buys this theory has turned a blind eye to an unlikely truth.
The truth is that it is humans who have been desensitized. We have been desensitized to the fact that wild animals are indeed wild and, as a consequence, dangerous. How has this happened? Who is behind this nefarious turn of events? Quite simply, it is the advertising and entertainment media that have sold us this cute, cuddly lie.
It starts and ends with Walt Disney. Instead of carrying the Plague, mice were suddenly helping Cinderella get ready for the ball. Bears and panthers sang songs and denied their urges to make a snack of a lost "man cub". A young lion peacefully coexisted with a meerkat and a warthog.
Other cartoons joined the act as well. Take Winnie the Pooh, for instance. How can we believe a bear and a "Tigger" would not be even
tempted to partake of the succulence of a young, pink pig? Had these been real animals, Christopher Robin would have been Christopher Droppings.
Around the forties and the fifties, advertisers started to get into the act. I'm sure penguins could care less if a person smoked or drank Bud. I'm also quite sure a camel would just as soon spit at you as sell you a pack of smokes. The only reason a tiger, named Tony or otherwise, would care if one ate corn flakes would be in the sense that his next meal was well-fattened and corn fed.
The darlings of both forms of media have been bears. Back in the forties and fifties, the Hamm's bear could be observed hawking the wares of the brewery from "the land of sky blue waters". Smokey the Bear extolled the virtues of totally extinguishing campfires and being careful with matches. Thanks to Baloo, I knew to use the claw when picking prickly pears. Of course, after meeting Yogi, I knew all bears were really interested in is getting a pic-a-nic basket. It follows that my first introduction to the idea of conscience was BoBo, Yogi's best friend and voice of reason.
More recently, bears have raved about the benefits of dryer sheets, Vick's vaporizers (not a dog torture device), and Charmin bathroom tissue. Had any of these cartoons or ads been true to life, nearly all would have ended with some human screaming, "Oh please, God, noooooooo!!!!!!!!" followed by gurgling noises and the unsettling experience of the poor misguided victim witnessing one of nature's most majestic creatures making a snack of his viscera.
In fact, I've revised a few ads. Following is a revised Hamm's ad:
Background music: "From the land of sky blue water comes the beer refreshing....."
Hamm's bear: "You know, after a long day of dismembering and gnawing upon an unlucky fisherman, nothing dislodges the connective tissue from my razor sharp teeth like an ice cold Hamm's. Hamm's cool crisp taste is also a perfect compliment to the rich delicious bone marrow that I scraped out of Earl's femur. Well, if you'll excuse me."
Bear returns to Earl's limbless torso and bites the head off. Fade to black.
The "true" Charmin ad:
Big bear to little bear: "What's the matter honey? Gotta poo?"
Little bear to big bear: "Yeah, but the old toilet paper is too rough. And don't get me started on pine cones."
Big bear: "I think you've lost your mind. Bears don't wipe. But if we did, I'd use Charmin! It's extra soft and fluffy. It is fantastic for getting off those stubborn pieces of hiker that stick to my butt fur."
They could even hit two products at once:
Big bear: "And if you've ever passed a hiker's whistle, those annoying little bells the put on their boots, or bear mace, nothing puts out that fire like Preparation H. Right Smokey?"
Smokey: "That's right, loveable though deadly bear that craps in the woods!"
So remember; wild animals do not want to sell you anything. Unless you are as scary looking as Clint Howard, they do not want to be your friends. Unless you are animated, stay away from panthers, tigers, bears, et al. Wild things want to eat you. Period. End of story.
By the way, while we are talking about truth in advertising, has anyone but me noticed the "Global casting" campaign on McDonald's bags? It is on bag advertising that features healthy, athletic looking people that look like Tom Brady or Angelina Jolie. You won't find one bag with anything that looks Jabba the Hut or the mom in the movie "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" (Possibly Leonardo DiCaprio's greatest role, but then again, he was playing a mentally challenged boy, so it wasn't much of a stretch.)
At least "Global casting" is an accurate term even if the advertising isn't. That is, a large portion of the customers who enjoy the product are of planetary proportion.