I am normally a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I usually like to think the cup is half full rather than half empty, the sky is partly sunny rather than partly cloudy, and that Quasimodo was more Modo than Quasi. Every once in a while though, silver linings have a cloud, it's even darker after the dawn, and Britney Spears has a number one single. Try as I might to look on the bright side of life, there are times when I must take an inventory of the things that chap my backside like sandpaper boxers. Much like an oyster, by isolating the irritant, transforming it, and spitting it out, I can take something annoying and change it into a pearl of mental health by getting rid of it.

Following is my list of things I can do without:

1) People who carry small dogs either by hand or in a bag everywhere they go are only slightly less annoying than a digital rectal exam. Any animal that is capable of licking its own genitals has already received all the reward it will ever deserve. These dogs are typically inherently annoying as well. They are tiny, wheezy, little kick-it dogs with names that sound either like something one might step in, a pretentious French dessert, or a state in Mexico. They generally have abnormally large eyes and shake more than a d-list celebrity on day three of a twenty-eight day program. They also tend to have the added charming characteristic of suspect bladder control when extremely excited. Add this to the fact that most of them would fit neatly into the bags meant to pick up the bowel movements of ninety percent of their brethren, and one might come to the decision that they are one of Mother Nature's cruel little jokes. The people who carry these animals should immediately be required to undergo vigorous mental testing, as they appear to be crazier than outhouse rats. If a person is going to treat an animal like a baby, they should at least be required to breast feed it.

2) The temperature control on my shower is a one-knobber that requires the precision of a brain surgeon to dial in the correct level of comfort. Infinitesimal adjustments result in radical changes in output. There was more margin of error on the reentry of Apollo 13 than there is when changing the temperature in my shower. Imply a twist to the left and the scalding water makes me look like one of the subterranean, missile worshiping freaks from "Beneath the Planet of the Apes" after he takes off his skin mask. Whisper a turn to the right, and I'm showered with water that simultaneously raises goose bumps, threatens a heart attack, and turns me from a baritone to a falsetto.

3) People who have not learned to correctly merge a motor vehicle into moving traffic should be immediately sterilized, euthanized, or at least be made to take the bus. It is physically impossible to merge with vehicles going sixty miles per hour when one is driving all of thirty miles per hour. Also, it might come as news to some folks that many off ramps and major thoroughfares have what are called continuous merge or acceleration lanes where they adjoin to other perpendicularly oriented avenues. These are made for the express purpose of achieving a parity of momentum with the other vehicles on said road. Anyone who comes to a complete stop at a junction so equipped should be bound, slathered in honey, and thrown upon an ant hill. Anyone who needs to shift more than one lane to the right to make an exit should immediately be treated to a Rosemary Kennedy special at Lobotomies R Us. The ability to plan ahead must be a prerequisite to receiving a driver's license. People who fly two or three lanes across traffic without so much as looking in the rearview mirror to make their exit, narrowly missing fatal accidents be either the grace of God or blind stinking luck, should be made to crawl a mile through stickers and briars and then take a peroxide bath.

4) People who move to a state typically associated with snow from a state typically associated with sunshine and receiving snow once or twice a century should refrain from driving during or after any significant snow fall. Anyone without enough sense to shift down and keep moving on a snow-packed road either needs to call in sick or head for work after rush hour. Anyone not pulling to the side of the road before coming to a complete stop and turning on their hazard lights should be made to watch the most recent Carrot Top comedy special on a continuous loop.

5) People who wear bed clothes in public should be taken behind the barn for the Old Yeller treatment. Sleep pants, house slippers, and pajama tops should never leave the house. If I wanted to see you in your pajamas I'd just look through your window like that creepy guy who lives down the street from you. I'm not feeling the baggy pants with the boxers thing either. If I wanted to see your underwear, I would have just pantsed you like your classmates in the sixth grade. And by the way, by pants your own size. I'm getting tired of my size being gone when I go to buy jeans because you like the crotch of your jeans to hit you at the knees. Here's hoping you need to run for your life one day in your Fiddy Cent fashion statement.

6) Whiney lists about things people don't like really chap my a...... never mind.