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Blog Entry 15 of 149 The Meaning of Life, or at Least the Last 24 Hours
First, a few things about me. I am deceptively handsome for someone who is significantly overweight. Don't get me wrong. I'm not washes-himself-with-a-rag-on-a-stick fat or bury-him-in-a-piano fat, but I could stand to lose another 60 or 80. Second, almost none of what I say can be taken seriously. I love to write, and as a previously self-admitted fatty, I am a king of self-deprecating humor. I look for the humor in everyday life, and this is the meaty chunks of which I will write (note: overweight people often use food as adjectives and metaphors). Third, I am notoriously unreliable, so don't expect an update every day. I am a retail manager, which means I work like a dog. Seriously, retail is great for loners and orphans. Just ask my wife. In fact, when a guy shoots up a fast food restaurant and they interview the people that knew him and they always say "He was kind of a loner, he kept to himself." This guy generally works retail. Fourth, do not expect political correctness from this blog. It is my point of view, that on the pallette of life most of us are not even primary colors. Hell, most of us are that dried slop that collects on the brush when you forget to wash it. No one's better than anyone else on my blog. Well maybe we're better than the hippies; can't stand them. Oh, and soccer moms too. I don't really care about your honor student. Oh yeah, also the people that don't watch their kids. Put a leash on Skippy, or I'll whack him with a Ritalin stick.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~BillsBunchoBSblog

Man-Boobs or Pecs: Gentlemen, Start Your Delusions

Contributed by: Bill Boucher   on 6/23/2006

I have a confession to make. I have an eating disorder. I am what you would call an amnesiac-bulimic. I binge just fine, but I forget to purge. I'd like to start by blaming my parents, television, republicans, and society in general. I'd like to, but I can't. I am going to step up right now and take responsibility. You see, me and my food jones got a thing goin' on.

That's basically it. I like eating too damn much. Lo, do I hear the ice cream. Lo, it does call to me. It bids me "Come let me take my place in the walls of your arteries. Lo, there do I see the line of my brethren before me, fried food, cheese, and too-big portions. Lo, there the crap food lives forever or at least until the bypass surgery".

I've done the diet thing before, and I will again. I am what you'd call a chronic yo-yo dieter. The first yo is no problem at all. It's that pesky second yo, the metaphoric bounce, that takes longer as one (or in my case, 1.66) grows older. It's basically a matter of getting tired of being fat (and tired). The first two weeks of realistic diet and exercise are the classic make and break period for me. If I get through these, I'm golden. If not, I'm fried to golden brown with a side of succulent gravy (classic yo momma line - yo momma so fat, she sweat gravy).

The other half of my six-pack demise can be found in the land of the lost exercise equipment. My power 90 paraphernalia (this one actually worked pretty well until my routine was altered by a job change) sits lonely in the closet. The power bands with their handled ends hang desolately, looking like so many futuristic stirrups. Don't forget the weight bench, or as I prefer to call it, my open-air closet and/or personal valet solution. This has since gone to that great garage sale in the sky. The latest are the bikes I bought for my wife and myself. We have yet to ride them, but hey, we've only had them for three weeks. We'll get around to it. It's just that with me working in retail, our schedules don't normally work out. Besides, I'd hate to disturb the delicate ecosystem the spiders are creating for themselves there between the handle bars. I've just decided after rereading this paragraph, that if making excuses not to exercise was a sport, I'd be an Olympian. We may have to take the radical step of forgoing after dinner TV, and do an after dinner ride instead.

I know all the rules and all the right answers. It's just a matter of getting off my mule. But let me warn you. It is monumentally easier to put on weight than it is to take it off, and the worst thing is that it sneaks up on you. As a public service, and to spare you my fate, I've compiled a list of warning signs that you may be putting on weight.

1) If you are a man, "Hey, nice rack!" is not considered a compliment.
2) You've considered paying someone to dry you after a shower.
3) You curse stairs.
4) You say at least once a month, "when we sell this house, we're getting a ranch house".
5) You read a magazine about food while eating dinner.
6) Your wife decides to add zest to "happy time" with whipped cream, and you go to the kitchen and come back with chocolate syrup and chopped nuts.
7) After putting on your shoes, you say "phhooo" with a mighty exhale.
8) A cheap buzz may be had from bending over and then coming back up too quickly.
9) You plan the next meal while eating the current meal.
10) The shadow of your a** weighs 20 pounds (classic line from Good Morning Vietnam).

Lastly, remember. If you want to look really thin, stand next to really fat people.

Wow! Getting kind of crowded in here. What are you all doing here? Oh. Ha, ha. Very funny.


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Showing 1-8 of 8 comments
Submitted By: Travis Henry
posted on 8/4/2006 @ 12:40:40 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Tabitha, you are right. Pretty much the coolest thing about this building is the ice cream machine. It will be what I miss most when we move to our new digs.
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Submitted By: John Zwick
posted on 6/25/2006 @ 6:23:01 PM
(Not Rated)
I find it's pretty easy to stay thin if you're unemployed. Years ago, I was actually in pretty good shape. I had time to cook decent food, excercise, etc. Then I got two jobs and school to fight with all at once and excercise went quick. Food became whatever I could grab on the way out. I'm still trying to recover. Also I prefer the word "moobs."
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Submitted By: Joe McDaniel
posted on 6/25/2006 @ 12:55:36 PM
Rated Blog Entry
While I was reading this the ice cream cart on wheels with the insanely annoying repetitive, tinkly, music drove up the street, with hoards of innocent little skinny malnourished children racing along trying to catch it. They have no idea what the future holds - they only know they have been conditioned to follow the food, and they can't stop!
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Submitted By: Bill Boucher
posted on 6/24/2006 @ 10:27:03 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I have a tapeworm, too. Unfortunately mine has a thyroid problem. Who said I have to take responsibility? Oh yea, me.
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Submitted By: Brendan Leonard
posted on 6/23/2006 @ 9:04:38 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Liks on 13th Avenue near Cheesman Park has Guinness ice cream.
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Submitted By: Tabitha Dial
posted on 6/22/2006 @ 3:43:12 PM
Rated Blog Entry
MMmm... ice cream! We have a fun ice cream machine here. A little vacuum sucks up your ice cream treat and then lets it fall to where you can reach in and lovingly hold it long enough to tear into it and take a bite. Mmmmm. I had a craving for Dairy Queen's brownie batter Blizzard the other night and drove about 15 minutes to the nearest Dairy Queen. Then I learned it was no longer the flavor of the month. It was a difficult night.
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Submitted By: Stephanie Blake
posted on 6/22/2006 @ 7:47:59 AM
Rated Blog Entry
I'm pretty sure I have a tapeworm.
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Submitted By: Karin Malchow
posted on 6/22/2006 @ 6:59:42 AM
Rated Blog Entry
People who are thin after 40 generally have to devote their lives to it. You can't blog while riding an exercise bike. How about those metabolic wonders who say "I eat all day and just can't gain weight"? They're either secretly puking or have a tapeworm.
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Showing 1-8 of 8 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Bill Boucher

Brighton , CO

Bill Boucher has posted 149 blog entries and 1727 comments since joining on 11/6/2005. Bill Boucher 's average blog rating is 4.95.
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