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Blog Entry 18 of 145 The Meaning of Life, or at Least the Last 24 Hours
First, a few things about me. I am deceptively handsome for someone who is significantly overweight. Don't get me wrong. I'm not washes-himself-with-a-rag-on-a-stick fat or bury-him-in-a-piano fat, but I could stand to lose another 60 or 80. Second, almost none of what I say can be taken seriously. I love to write, and as a previously self-admitted fatty, I am a king of self-deprecating humor. I look for the humor in everyday life, and this is the meaty chunks of which I will write (note: overweight people often use food as adjectives and metaphors). Third, I am notoriously unreliable, so don't expect an update every day. I am a retail manager, which means I work like a dog. Seriously, retail is great for loners and orphans. Just ask my wife. In fact, when a guy shoots up a fast food restaurant and they interview the people that knew him and they always say "He was kind of a loner, he kept to himself." This guy generally works retail. Fourth, do not expect political correctness from this blog. It is my point of view, that on the pallette of life most of us are not even primary colors. Hell, most of us are that dried slop that collects on the brush when you forget to wash it. No one's better than anyone else on my blog. Well maybe we're better than the hippies; can't stand them. Oh, and soccer moms too. I don't really care about your honor student. Oh yeah, also the people that don't watch their kids. Put a leash on Skippy, or I'll whack him with a Ritalin stick.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~BillsBunchoBSblog

My bite is worse than my bark

Contributed by: William Boucher   on 6/29/2006

The following is a dog's view of the recent measures taken in Parker to control barking. These opinions expressed are solely those of Fido, a canine resident of Parker, as told to me. They are not representative of my views, the views of YourHub.com, or of the Denver Newspaper Agency.

Hello, my name is Fido. I am a beagle poodle mix who has lived in Parker for the last 35 years. That would be five years for you hairless apes. It has recently come to my attention that the city of Parker has begun using excess parking signs and retrofitting them, as reported by Joe McDaniel (and, some think, spearheaded by him as well), in an attempt to curtail my God-given right of free speech.

What they have done is changed the word parking into barking. First it was the two hour barking. Joe, the only time I bark for two hours, it would be too dark to read the sign anyway, This seems like a waste. The city has also posted emergency barking only signs.

What qualifies as an emergency? Geez, where do I start? There was the time my master, the ape that brings food, left for what seemed to be an eternity (I think it actually ended up being fifteen minutes). I suddenly remembered I didn't have opposable thumbs and couldn't open my food bag. Obviously an emergency, so barking ensued. Or the time that new dog, Fifi, moved in down the street. She was what the street dogs like to call "ready". The more dignified among us would say she was in estrus. The fact that I could not get down the street to meet her was an emergency for, like, a week or so (I know Joe hates like. I did that to rankle him. Pretty good vocabulary for a dog, huh?).

There are also other "barking" signs starting to pop up. I saw "No Barking from Here to Corner" the other day. I don't know what was so special about that place. It could have had something to do with pee. The curb was all yellow (contrary to popular belief, I am not colorblind). On a recent walk, I saw "Additional Barking in the Rear". Is that even possible? I don't know what you all call it, but we dogs call that farting. I was repulsed by the "Avalanche Fans Barking Only" sign. What kind of sick dog would want to start an avalanche? Plus, we were no where near a mountain.

There is one sign I'd like to see. "Disabled Barking" is my dream sign. You see, I was born with a stutter. The utter humiliation was almost too much to bear when I was trying to impress Fifi and all I could get out was w-w-w-w-w-w-wwoof. And don't get me started on b-b-b-b-bbow-ww-w-w-w-wwow. I've never seen a mailman laugh so hard.

Please remember, dogs have rights. If jack-booted thugs like Mr. McDaniel get their way, Timmy may have never made it out of the well. Act now and we may never see Joe's ultimate fantasy sign - "No Barking Anytime".

Bloggist's note: In order to protect Fido from possible plagiarism accusation, it is important to note that the hairless ape line was shamelessly lifted from the comic strip Sherman's Lagoon, omitting only the word beach (I figured Fido for Mutts. Who knew?).
The ape that brings food line was similarly filched from the award winning self-help book "You Are Worthless" by the editor of the Onion. And, lastly, the whole scenario of not being able to open the food was lifted from a stand-up routine by, I believe, George Carlin.


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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
Submitted By: William Boucher
posted on 6/29/2006 @ 5:09:01 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Don't give up Joe. With a daily regimin of stretching and yoga you can make it there yet. I find it's defineitely worth the effort. Love, Fido
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Submitted By: Joe McDaniel
posted on 6/29/2006 @ 10:51:13 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Okay dogbreath - this is for you. I suspect you are the one who woke me this morning at 6 a.m. How did you get my address? Don't expect sympathy just because you were born without opposable thumbs. I can't lick myself the way you do, but I'm not complaining. An "emergency" by the way is when I find out where you live.
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Submitted By: Rob Guthrie
posted on 6/29/2006 @ 7:04:27 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Dear William: I thoroughly enjoyed your blog, particularly the way you wrote from the dog's perspective (also the parts about barking and not being able to open your food)....What William hears: blah blah William blah blah blog blah blah blah barking blah blah food (the preceding was shamelessly pilfered from Gary Larson's "Far Side"). Thanks for the laughs, Fido!
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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

William Boucher

Brighton , CO

William Boucher has posted 145 blog entries and 1663 comments since joining on 11/6/2005. William Boucher 's average blog rating is 4.95.
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