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Coffee. Must have coffee.

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Contributed by: Jared Keller on 10/23/2006

Yesterday was a tough day in the Keller household. I mean, sure, by the end of the day, things were looking up, and in general, all was once more right with the world, but still...for the first eight or so hours, things were pretty touch-and-go.

The Wife was sick. And, since you've all heard the saying "if momma's not happy, ain't nobody happy", it should be relatively easy for you to accept the sensibility of the following, slightly modified version: "if momma's sick, panic and chaos will soon follow", or more succinctly, " we're all gonna die!!!".

My lovely bride woke up with a vicious headache yesterday morning - you know...the kind where can actually hear the movement of various molucules of oxygen and nitrogen in the air around you, and waves of nausea sweep over you upon even the most minute changes in the house's air pressure - like those involved with, say, a flock of geese flying overhead, or a kid kicking a football somewhere in Omaha.

The culprit? Well, in all fairness, I suspect some kind of 24 hour bug, but for the sake of my story, it's really more convenient if we all can agree to pin the blame for this scourge on the fact that we had no coffee in the house. No caffeine + Sunday morning/trying to get out the door to church = pain.

This isn't a mistake that we make too often, mind you. We've always been faithful in regard to our coffee stores, and their perpetuation. Though we're longtime Peaberry snobs, (down with the dreaded Charbucks, and their cursed over-roasting!), the virtual elimination of that chain has led us to by our beans in bulk, from other sources. We shop at a certain membership warehouse that ryhmes with Ostco, and starts with "C". As such, we now buy our coffee by the metric ton, and our creamer by the tanker trailer. We are rarely under-coffeed, as it were. This week, however, was just one of those weeks; time got away from us, and we ran out of both milk (our other staple from the warehouse), and the blessed nectar of the bean.

The situation was fragile, as was the peace. My little girl was lucky to have survived, given her status as a three year-old. I'm glad, for her sake, that she was an angel yesterday morning. Similarly, it's a good thing that our pastor preached a typically brilliant sermon that distracted my wife from the near certainty that she would undergo some form of spontaneous decapitation at any second - and probably be happier for it. It was rough. No amount of pain medication seemed to help, and naps didn't take the edge off.

Finally, as we watched the Bronco game (Jake, would it kill you to let a game be boring once in awhile?), the decision was made that I would take our little girl, and head to the warehouse, to purchase our stuff (I needed to get us some coffee, my wife needed blessed solitude). We headed out, and, after wading through the approximately 1.7 million people that fill the place at any given moment over the weekend, escaped with our coffee, milk, and creamer in something less than three hours.

A short time later, I made a small pot of coffee, and order was restored to the world. Agony's evil grip on my poor wife's skull loosened, and for the first time all day, the nausea left, as well. Coincidence? I think we all know the answer to that one.

Praise the Lord, and pass the creamer.

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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 470 stories and 64 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average story rating is 4.86.

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