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Morning Maneuvers

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Contributed by: Connie Massa on 11/1/2007

Retrieving the newspaper each morning without being detected is a finely, honed craft. It requires the speed of a ninja, reflexes like a cat and the camouflage of a chameleon. I have mastered all of these arts.

Every morning at 8:15 A.M. sharp, I scan the perimeter from my front window to locate the orange or blue plastic bag at the end of my driveway. After positive identification, I plot the location and mentally map out the fastest, closest route to intercept it.

I note the weather conditions. Things such as snow or ice could impede my mission. I select the proper pair of slippers based on this observation in order to move swiftly.

Clothing is never a consideration. I wear a standard issue green bathrobe to blend in with my surroundings. I don't concern myself with putting on makeup or doing my hair. Timing is critical and my goal is to have no contact with any civilians.

From my vantage point, I can see no one in the vicinity. All of the kids and their mothers are down the street waiting for the school bus, away from my view. There is no one jogging down the street with a dog in tow. The workmen in the area are preoccupied with their respective duties. My neighbor's garage doors are closed which indicates they have gone to work for the day. Everything is falling into place perfectly. It's time to execute my plan.

I open the front door and tentatively step onto the porch. This is my final visual before making a mad dash down the driveway. All seems clear.

I am within an arm's length of the target when a familiar sight comes into view. It's one of my neighbors driving toward me. I try to avoid any eye contact, but it's too late. Their hand is waving at me and they are slowing down. I have no choice but to abort the mission and retreat to safety. I casually wave back to them as I am scrambling back to the house before they can positively identify me.

This has been my worst moment of shame. Not only did I not get the newspaper, I have been exposed. There I stood in all my morning glory: no makeup, hair standing straight up on my head like a mad scientist and wearing a ratty, green bathrobe that looks like I found it in a dumpster.

From now on when I go to get the newspaper, I'm going to wait for the cover of darkness so no one can interfere with my plan. Even then, sometimes the best-laid plans can fail.

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Showing 1-2 of 2 comments

Submitted By: Nikki Britain

posted on 11/3/2007 @ 9:17:09 AM

Rated Story

This is the very reason I taught our dog to retrieve the paper. I don't care if I do have to wipe dog spit off the comics page.

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Submitted By: Gladys Mercier

posted on 11/2/2007 @ 8:04:43 PM

Rated Story

I know just how you feel. Now I beg the carrier to please put the paper on my porch!

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Showing 1-2 of 2 comments

CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Connie Massa

Castle Rock , CO

Connie Massa has posted 23 stories and 3 comments since joining on 10/2/2007. Connie Massa 's average story rating is 5.

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