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Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~StealthlyHumor

Stuck between a rock and the internet
Contributed by: Kevin Platts   on 4/10/2007

A woman sent me an e-mail the other day requesting some advice. Here's the story:

This woman is married, 45 years old and the mother of a young child. Her husband is 47 years old. They have been married for about 10 years. Problem is, it appears the "spark" has left their marriage. Sure they still go out and do family things on the weekend, but those activities are usually centered around their child. They don't really do anything "together" unless it is centered around the child.

Now, as I have written before, a lot of people are in similar situations. We end up in a "rut" where we are basically surviving, although we are not necessarily 100% happy. Most people either learn to deal with this by, a.) accepting it, b.) not accepting it and trying to make positive changes, or c.) not accepting it and moving on (i.e. divorce).

The problem for this woman isn't simply that they aren't happy. Since they have a young child, who frequently goes to bed early, they actually have a lot of free time. Unfortunately, rather than spending this time together, her husband spends a tremendous amount of time on the Internet. At first, this didn't seem too strange to this woman, but eventually so much time was dedicated to the Internet that she began to get curious about his activities. Right or wrong, she decided to begin monitoring his activities so she could have piece of mind about his activities.

Unfortunately, over a short-time, she soon learned her husband was apparently involved with several different women over the Internet. Not true adulterous affairs where he would meet these women, but chat sessions and e-mails where it clearly indicated he had attachments with them. This discovery greatly surprised and upset this woman. She didn't want to divulge she had been checking up on him, but she did want to confront him. Therefore, she chose to simple ask him why he was spending so much time online. As if often the case, he would become extremely upset (avoidance) and get mad about her even asking him about it. Of course, if she even tried to approach him while he was on the Internet, he would quickly minimize the screen so she couldn't see what he was doing.

She put up with the activities for a while, but eventually got to the point where she decided to solicit my inputs and advice. Here's my take:

1. It appears her husband is just as unsatisfied with the relationship as she is. Unfortunately, this has resulted in him seeking out companionship with other people. I don't want to throw this guy under the bus just yet though. As far as this woman knows, he is merely conversing with these women. She has no idea what the nature of these conversations is, therefore, I find it hard to beat him up for potentially only conversing with people. It appears his coping mechanism is to seek out others versus speaking to his wife about being unsatisfied. I don't believe the guy is a saint, but I don't have any information indicating he is a sinner either.

2. At this point, as far as the woman is concerned, she has a couple of options. First and foremost, if she is interested in fixing the relationship, which I assume she is since she solicited my advice, then she needs to take a hard look at herself and understand/acknowledge mistakes she may have made in the relationship. She then needs to approach her husband, express her dissatisfaction with the relationship and tell him she is willing and able to make amends and work together to fix the relationship. Additionally, she needs to seriously confront him about his online activities and let him know these activities will not be accepted in the future. If he wants to work on and fix the relationship, then they both need to put heart and soul into it and work to fix the relationship. Of course, if/when they have this conversation, this woman needs to acknowledge her mistakes and tell her husband exactly why she isn't satisfied with the relationship. If he is really interested in fixing the relationship, then he should also acknowledge his mistakes and should readily agree to cut out his online activities.

3. If either doesn't 100% buy-in to fixing the relationship, or if he returns to the Internet seeking companionship, then they need to take a serious look at ending the relationship. This is oftentimes hard to do when a child is involved, but in the long run why should they stay together when they are both truly miserable? If they do this, there is a pretty good chance the child will grow up with serious issues. Fixing the relationship and staying together is obviously the best scenario for all parties concerned; however, if they are unable or unwilling to fix the relationship, moving on and allowing the child to grow up without all this turmoil maybe the best solution.

What do you think?

To view my other thoughts, please visit my blog site at: www.advice-smoke-and-mirrors.blogspot.com


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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Kevin Platts

Parker , CO

Kevin Platts has posted 178 blog entries and 5 comments since joining on 5/16/2006. Kevin Platts's average blog rating is 4.8.
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