So, your wife is visiting her sister and honey-do'd you with painting the living room while she's gone. While you could take the advice (or even a class) from the professionals at a home improvement store, this Moron's Guide will provide you the ability to:

1) Make ill-informed decisions throughout your project

2) Further mess up your mistakes

3) Appreciate the expertise of a trained demolition team

After rummaging through the basement and coming up empty-handed on a viable paint selection, cruise over to the hardware store and tell Earl in the paint section, "I want red paint." Now don't be confused by the myriad options he'll throw at you - Mercury Sunrise, Salmon Dream, Bruised Kidney. They don't have red. Just pick the one that sounds coolest to you. Our recommendation: Vengeful Dragon.

Next he'll ask whether this is an indoor or outdoor project, your desired level of gloss, and if you'll need primer. None of that is any of his business. Your answer: "Two gallons of the cheapest, and make it snappy 'cause the wife's home at four."

Take a quick stroll down the painting supplies aisle. This should only take one pass. Here are some basic mis-considerations:

1) An inexpensive combo pack of paint tray, roller, roller cover and foam brushes is perfect. Pay the extra buck if one comes with Cheez Whiz.

2) Blue masking tape. ("I didn't even know they made blue tape. Cool!") Grab three rolls, all of which you'll promptly set aside at the cash register upon learning the price.

3) Go home. Remember, your wife's home at four.

Push the couch away from the wall. (No other information available).

The combo pack includes an instructional brochure on painting. Our advice: chuck it. You don't need any Big Paint propaganda cramping your style.

Step 1: Open the combo pack and realize that you accidentally grabbed The Faux Painting Starter Kit. ( Faux is a little French word meaning, "Don't try this at home"). Check your watch. It's almost three.

Step B: Grab a can opener for the paint can. This won't work, so drive a hole in the lid using a hammer and screwdriver. Pour the paint into the paint pan. Driving an air hole in the lid will cut this process down by 35-minutes or so.

Step 2: Dip the roller in the paint and then smear it on the wall. Now you'll realize what the roller cover was for.

Step 1.1: Place the roller cover over the roller. While painting your first corner, you'll realize what the foam paint brushes were for.

Step 1.0.1: While using a foam brush on the corner, you'll realize what the blue tape would have been for.

Step 1.0.0.1: The only tape you have is invisible tape, but try it anyway. The result will be a 3-foot section of invisible tape somewhere in the corner, but you won't really know where it is because it's invisible.

Cleaning up (a.k.a. Making matters worse)

At some point, your dog Barfy will step in the paint pan. The resulting stain pattern on your carpet will resemble, to a remarkable degree, certain Family Circle cartoons. Warning: your wife will not think this is as cool as you do. To alleviate (which is moron-speak for "exacerbate") the problem, pour water on the stains and scrub vigorously with disintegrating paper towels. This will turn relatively small red stains into large pink ones. Don't lose hope - you're half-way there. Now pour an entire can of paint thinner onto the affected areas. The fumes, powerful enough to knock out a gorilla, will cause you to sleep peacefully while the paint thinner works for you.
Interestingly, the acid-like strength of the paint thinner will allow you to see the basement directly from your living room. No more awkward stair climbing to see if the laundry's done - simply poke your head through the gaping hole in the floor and take a look!

Coming to

Once you wake up, you'll realize that this entire mess should be blamed on the dog. "Bad dog!" you'll yell for the benefit of the cul-de-sac. "Barfy is a bad beagle!" Barfy, of course, will think this is a game. While "playing" tug-of-war with you over the screwdriver, you'll step through the lid of the paint can. Barfy will let go of the screwdriver, sit back on the edge of the paint pan, and flip its contents onto both of you. In order to keep the dog from causing any further damage, you'll give the one command he obeys perfectly: "Barfy, play dead!" This, of course, is the precise moment when both your wife and the police will burst through the front door.

Here's what they'll see: A crazed, screwdriver-wielding man standing over a motionless dog, both covered in thick red liquid. These are your options:

a) You don't really have any options.

Our best advice: you should play dead too.



Joe Schneller, copyright 2006.