Congratulations on your purchase of the Whizbang Doohickey model #1083, 1084, 1101-1387(b) or possibly the Whirling Doohickey, batteries and competent instructions not included!

Inside this 3-inch thick, origami-folded manual, you'll be pleased to find instructions written in 47 languages, with the new additions of Vulcan, Ewok, Egyptian Hieroglyphics and pig-Latin. "With all those languages in there, the instructions really can't be that bad," you say. Allow us a small confession: We wrote this manual over four years ago, and we still laugh when people say that.

Step 1: Reasonable Self-Esteem.

Insert the dealybop (a) into the danglidoo (c). Repeat for the other side. You may have to use a mallet or bang-bang.

Note: Don't confuse the dealybop (a) with the dealybop (l), differentiated by a faint red smudge on one of them (we can't remember which). Otherwise, the dealybop (l) will get hopelessly stuck in the danglidoo (c), not allowing the free motion necessary for the proper functioning of the dealydanglidoos.

Attach the dealydanglidoos (ac) to the thingamajig (r) with screwball (m) and nutcase (t).

Oops. That one needed a washer (oh).

Step 2: Skeptical Self-Confidence.

Place the flibberjibbet (k) on the floor. (The flibberjibbet is the thing that looks like an earthworm that's shaped like a flibberjibbet, except that it's bigger). Orient your flibberjibbet such that the bendy part is toward the top. It may help you to look at the diagram while standing on your head.

Open bag #2, which includes (3) of the (4) shacklehankies (x) you'll need to attach the flibberjibbet (bendy part up) through the dealydanglidoos (ac) and into the thingamajig (r). Hopefully you skipped the second part of Step 1, because we told you that part out-of-order.

Now attach the dealydanglidoos (ac) to the thingamajig (r).

Step 3: Budding Frustration.

Oh yeah, don't forget the washer.

Step 4: Throbbing Headache.

Examine your work thus far. Note how it looks nothing like the picture (p) on the box (b). Look at your watch (w). It's been two and a half hours (!). Try not to get angry (%*#) and yell something you'll regret :(.

Step 5: Building Hypertension.

This one's a doozie.

While sitting on your p'tootie, balance the flibberjibbet (bendy part to the west) on its end by pinching it between your dawgs (d). Grab the Teflon-coated thing-with-the-thing-on-it (tt) and hold it between your left cheek and shoulder. That will hurt (ow). Hold the flying widget (fw) in your left hand (shiny side up), and slide the gizmo (g) into place while precariously balancing the dealydanglidoo-thingamajig (acr) on the back of your right hand. Now simply connect everything with the boltysnap (available only in Europe) by using the three aluminum foil wrenches provided.

Caution: Do not attempt to assemble this product by yourself.

Step 6: Maniacal Laughter.

Step 5 didn't work, did it? That's because we mis-drilled the holes for the boltysnap. Isn't that a hoot!

Ok, throw everything into the air, causing the flibberjibbet, thing-with-the-thing-on-it, flying widget, gizmo, dealydanglidoo-thingamajig and boltysnap (if you're European) to become scatterfloory. Stomp around like a troll until you smash your foot on the flibberjibbet, which somehow sends a washer (oh) airborne (wee) and into the back of your throat (ack).

Before losing consciousness, give yourself the Heimlich on the back of a chair (not included).

Now call our 800-number, listen to Barry Manilow for forty-five minutes while an automated voice verifies your importance as a customer, then choose from the following options:

Do you want to....
1. Commit your first manslaughter?
2. Sue us back to the mid-80's?
or
3. For $125, have one of our helpful technicians come out and assemble your Whizbang Doohickey in under 4 minutes?

The choice is yours.


Joe Schneller, copyright 2006.