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A tribute to my stepfather
Contributed by: Kathy Chavez on 3/4/2008

I am one of "the fortunate" that was able to retire at a relatively young age. Born in 1950, I am considered a Baby Boomer.Most boomers still have lots of years they can work, they may have kids in college, they usually still have parents that are alive.

Little did I know that there was a reason that I was able to retire earlier than most. The year I retired, 2006, I had a feeling that things were about to change in my life...

It started out wonderful. I could get up a little bit later in the morning and not worry about going to work. I spent the day playing on my computer, reading, taking long walks and dreaming about and planning for the trips I would be taking. The first trip I took was in October. I traveled to Eastern Europe with a group of friends; women that were also retired.

We visited countries I never dreamed I would ever see. It was a memorable vacation.Around that time I was also planning and training for the 500 mile hiking trip I would be doing with my son the next summer. Life was good!

Around November, things would change in my life. I had already decided that I would spend a week a month in Albuquerque helping out my mom and step-dad as well as my father. I wanted quality time with them.

However, by November, my step-dad, George, was not feeling very well and was being scheduled for several tests and a biopsy. This meant that I needed to spend more time with my mother and step-dad in Albuquerque; they needed me. Between my brother and me, we were able to get them to all their doctor appointments, trips to the pharmacy, grocery shopping, etc.

My mother is not a well woman, so there were appointments for both of them. By the middle of December my step-father was diagnosed with Cancer. Decisions had to be made as to whether or not he would undergo Chemotherapy. The cancer had already progressed to many areas of his body, but chemotherapy could possibly help to prolong his life.

The doctor gave him 6 months without the treatment. The doctor went over all the information with my parents then my brother and I went over it with them again. The decision was for them to decide. The reality was, it was my step-dad's decision. After some thought, he decided to undergo the treatment, but he didn't want to start it until after the holiday.


I was able to bring both of them to my home here in Colorado for the Christmas holiday. We had a memorable Christmas. We made the traditional foods that I grew up with in New Mexico. The house was decorated and we had several guests with whom to share the holiday season.

We played cards, visited, ate lots of delicious holiday food and most importantly, we had the wonderful companionship of family.Another fun time for all of us was the snow storm. Although George and my mom were not able to leave the house, they enjoyed watching us shovel snow for most of the day.

On December 26, 2006, I drove both Mom and George back to Albuquerque so that George could begin the Chemotherapy treatment. I was not to return home (for no more than a couple of days) until the end of April. Cancer is a horrible disease. I know I'm not saying anything that you haven't heard before,but it was the first time that I was to be the caretaker for a person with this disease.

George had so much cancer throughout his body that the doctors were not sure of its origin. They finally settled for pancreatic cancer. The treatment didn't make him too nauseated. It did, however, make him very weak. He also lost some of his beautiful white hair, but there was enough left on his head to comb. The next few weeks were back and forth to the doctor, back and forth for the chemotherapy.

He was to be admitted several times to the hospital for one reason or another. He was more and more miserable...going through so much pain, enduring the "treatment", his lack of energy, his lack of appetite, more pain pills, stronger pain pills...Finally, his last time at the hospital the oncologist that was on call that night basically said that the treatment was not working.

George's quality of life was obviously not "quality" and George felt that there was no need to continue the Chemotherapy. The doctor agreed. This was March...only a few months since he had been diagnosed.

We took George home, kept his final appointment with the on call oncologist ...his oncologist had a family emergency and it was not known how long she would be unavailable...it was then we were told that it was time to arrange for Hospice Services to come and meet with us. It was time for their support.

As time progressed, and I'm talking about days and a few weeks, we got to know the hospice nurse, the hospice social worker, the hospice aide and the hospice Chaplain as though they were part of the family. They helped us to help George. They were there to make his transition from this world to the next a smooth one.

I guess the most important thing is that Hospice was there for us, George's family. My mother, as you might guess, was not able to do a lot of what George needed. She did what she could, but what was most important is that she was able to be by his side and they were able to enjoy each other's company. This was the 'quality time' George had been missing.

My brother and I made the house safe for George, we administered medication, communicated with the nurse about managing pain and we helped with physical care and his mobility. We helped Mom to understand what was happening at each step of the way and helped both George and Mom to finalize their affairs. We could not have done that without the support of Hospice.

Life was hard for everyone. You find out that in the end, it's hard to control the pain; you're up all night administering medication, helping him to the bedside potty, dealing with the hallucinations he is having, the anxiety he is feeling, the restlessness and agitation.

This is called Phase I in approaching death and it lasts about two weeks. Phase II comes quickly and doesn't last long and it is much more difficult for everyone. There is much more to be aware of and to deal with. There were signs to indicate that George was actively dying. Absolutely nothing is as it should be and nothing is like it was in Phase I.

He was less talkative and had longer periods of unresposiveness until he just quit talking. The physical changes were dramatic; his breathing was more and more shallow and his agitation and hallucinations were more pronounced. All we could do was make him as comfortable as possible. Within three days of when that change began, George died.

He died on April 27, 2007. We were all there with him when he took his final breath. My mother was by his side as were my brother and I. George died peacefully at home with his family by his side.

We all loved George. He was a good man, a loving and generous husband and a wonderful step-father. Even when he was visibly in discomfort, he would entertain us with telling stories about his life and world travels. He was normally a fiercely independent man, in his illness, George let go: shamelessly accepting his fate with courage and willfully letting others take care of him.

Although my first year of retirement was not what I had expected, I am proud to have been able to care for my step-father during his final days on this earth. I learned a lot from him about courage, love and compassion. He helped my mother accept his fate. He was more worried about her than he was for himself. That's the way George was...always taking care of my mother.

It will soon be the one year anniversary of his death. I am writing this article because he has been in my thoughts almost daily. By sharing this experience with you helps me get through this rough time. You see, I believe that George is still influencing me...he knows that if I can get through this difficult time, I will be 'available' to help my mother get through her difficult time, the anniversary of his death.

"You matter because of who you are. You matter to the last moment of your life, and we will do all we can not only to help you die Peacefully but to live until you die." Dame Cicely Saunders


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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Kathy Chavez

Castle Rock , CO

Kathy Chavez has posted 6 stories and 5 comments since joining on 6/29/2006. Kathy Chavez 's average story rating is 5.
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