Librarians are evil.

They control all the the world's information. For years, they've shushed any ideas that might make people believe there's more to life than everyday work and play. New thoughts make for a disordered, unpredictable world-and librarians hate that kind of disorganization.

According to the junior novel Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians by Brandon Sanderson, the planet Earth, otherwise known as "The Hushlands," is actually only one of twelve kingdoms. Luckily, questors like Alcatraz Smedry, who come from the other eleven realms are willing to help we Hushlanders discover the truth. Alcatraz also comes from a long line of rebellious spies and special magicians called Oculators, who've sought to end the librarians' oppression. However, he thinks he's just an ordinary kid until his grandfather smashes through his kitchen one day and reveals his destiny.

Alcatraz is an adopted thirteen year-old, who, at first, thinks he only has the ability to break things and make his foster parents mad. Throughout Sanderson's novel, this young man learns that he, his family, and his world are so much more than he ever realized.

I hope you understand the sacrifice I've made by going public with this information. These librarians want to make everything dull and boring. They're trying to keep everyone from finding out the truth, but I've managed to infiltrate their ranks. And, before my enemies eliminate me, I will help the Smedrys free the world's information by insisting that you read Sanderson's book.

Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians may seem like a goofy fantasy/adventure. However, it's one-hundred-twenty-four-and-a-half percent true. Trust me, I know. I've seen it all inside the Philip S. Miller Library in Castle Rock. Librarians want to keep you from understanding the whole world's wacky ways. Now, only you can end their reign of disinformation by reading books.

Go to the library. Check out all the books you can. Novels are the best. They tell the most truth about the world. I mean, sure, you can find some decent information in the non-fiction section. But the librarians have hidden most of the facts in the fiction stacks because they think you won't be smart enough to find it.

I have to go. The librarians are after me now. They know I'm a rebel, with my long hair and radical ideas. Go to Douglas County Libraries and learn your way to freedom with Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians and other great kids' novels. DouglasCountyLibraries.org.

Tim Miller's views do not necessarily represent those of Douglas County Libraries. They are filthy lies propagated by an anti-librarian sympathizer.

The above disclaimer has been paid for by The Librarian's Informally Against Reality Subcomittee (L.I.A.R.S.).