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Kim Jong-Il: He's nowhere you want to be

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Contributed by: Jared Keller on 2/20/2006

Awhile back, I read a report that described North Korea's first attempt at the introduction of a credit card of sorts. Well, any good journalist would be more than eager to "read the fine print", as they say, and, as it worked out, I was, too. What better time than an American holiday to see if there's anything we can learn from the legalese attached to a Stalinist regime's credit card, right?

Let's see, here. We've got the standard-sounding Terms and Conditions, with a few slight modifications from those found on applications here in the States:

By submitting this Application, I request that DearLeader™ ("Kim Jong-Il") establish a NORCOM Card account ("Writ of Indentured Servitude") and issue a NORCOM PeasantPurchase Card ("Card") accessing such Account, to me and any additional Cardholders I designate (and the Party deems acceptable. All others will be shot). I understand that all information provided in this application must be verifiable and accurate, or I will be shot, hanged, burned at the stake, and mocked publicly by the Dear Leader, as my family, next-door neighbors, and several complete strangers are sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor. I shall be liable individually for all charges and balances on the Account, and any slip-ups will result in my being beaten with large sticks as my pig-dog entrails are removed with rusty hooks.

Yikes! Pretty tough. Let's take a look at some additional card policies involving rates, etc.:

Annual percentage rate (APR) for purchases: 1300%*

Other APRs:
Balance transfer APR: As long as first balance transfer is completed within 9 seconds from date of account opening, 0.00% for 9 seconds from date of first balance transfer. After that, 1200.74%.
Won advance APR: YOU GET NO CASH, PIG-DOG!.

Default APR: 3000.74%. See explanation below.**

Variable rate information: Your APRs may vary each billing period, or whenever the Dear Leader determines you to be a threat to the state.

Grace period for repayment of balances for purchases: Grace? GRACE?! There is no grace for the robbery of the Dear Leader!! You die now!!!

Method of computing the balance for purchases: Kim Jong-Il's supercomputer-like brain. He is a genius. Of course, he's not a big fan of carrying the one, so results may seem random, but this is only because you do not understand Kim Jong-Il's fantastic brain power, prole!!

Annual fees: All that you hold dear.

Minimum finance charge: Whatever strikes Kim Jong-Il's fancy, pig-dog!

* All your APRs may automatically increase up to the automatic-firing-squad or lifetime-in-worker-camp limit if you default under any Card Agreement that you have with us because you fail to make a payment to us when due, you exceed your credit line, or you make a payment to us that is not honored. Or, we may simply take you behind your concrete hovel and shoot you.

**Factors considered in determining your default rate may include how long your account has been open, the timing or seriousness of a default, or other indications of account performance, including potentially, the thinking of imperialist thoughts, the non-denouncement of all things American, and the non-planning of the glorious reunification of the homeland under the banner of Kim Jong-Il's benevolent mailed fist of crushing death and the smooth tunes of David Sanborn.

Rates, fees, and terms may change: We may change the rates, fees, and terms of your account at any time for any reason. THERE WILL BE NO COMPLAINTS!!! These reasons may be based on information in your credit report, such as your failure to make payments to another creditor when due, amounts owed to other creditors, the number of credit accounts outstanding, the number of credit inquiries, or simply as an effort to teach your fellow unworthy worker-types a lesson.

Wow. Makes you grateful to be an American, huh?

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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 465 stories and 64 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average story rating is 4.86.

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