In her book, Raising a Secure Child: Creating an emotional connection between you and your child, Zeynep Biringen, Ph.D., makes an effective research-based argument that the quality of communication and connection between a caregiver and child (emotional availability) is key to a child's healthy development. Loving, secure relationships are foundational to life. It is one thing however to love our children and another to effectively communicate that love in ways that are appropriate to their age and development. As a father, it is not enough for me to know that I love my child, my child needs to know it in their soul.

Fortunately, emotional availability is a quality of relationship rather than a personality trait. Regardless of your temperament, childhood experiences, relationship history or gender, you have the potential to nurture and improve the quality of communication and connection you have with your child.

Next month I will oversee a research study in Douglas County that will study the effectiveness of the Raising A Secure Child Video-Playback Parenting Program for helping parents and children (ages 0 to 14 years) become more emotionally available to one another. The program is in the pilot stages of development and is based on Biringen's 16 plus years of research on the topic of emotional availability.

Biringen relates that all relationships are two-way, and often the most telling evaluation of the quality of the connection lies not with the parent's actions but with the child's response. This dynamic will be the focus of the parenting program, however there are things a parent can do to nurture and build their emotional connection with their child. Below is an abbreviated list for your consideration:

Be sensitive to your child's cues. Sensitivity refers mainly to warmth, positive affect, reading your child's cues appropriately and reacting appropriately. One of the most important things in this regard is to be generally positive in your facial and vocal expression. Such positive expressions on your face and in your voice will encourage your child to relate warmly back to you.

Provide your child with appropriate structuring. Setting age-appropriate limits, guiding, suggesting, breaking down activities into small, achievable parts, all of these are aspects of structuring. Structure interactions according to developmental level-but don't force yourself into the games/ activities. One of the best ways to figure out how much is too much is by reading your child's cues-is he turning away, is he looking bored, or is he welcoming me.

Be a non-intrusiveness parent. Non-intrusiveness is being available in a non-overbearing way; being available without being over-involved. Being available while being non-intrusive means available physically but now always feeling like you have to do something to be a good parent. Sometimes, being emotionally there but without doing something is well received!

Don't allow hostility to creep into your relationship. Maintaining appropriate regulation of your negative emotions is key. A child should never be the outlet of the stresses that you have accumulated throughout the day, especially from otherrelationships at work or with your partner. Covert hostility often takes the form of expressions of boredom, general discontent, and mannerisms such as rolling the eyes. Overt hostility refers to obvious signs of hostility, such as yelling or hitting. If you are feeling frustrated, make sure you take time out for yourself-taking care of you is important if you are to be a calm and peaceful presence.

If you are interested in developing this foundational aspect of your relationship with your child, I encourage you to find out more about the parenting program pilot. The 7-session program will be offered three times in Douglas County between now and October 1. Call Rich or Lauren at the CSU Extension Office 720.733.6926 or e-mail them at fcsinfo@douglas.co.us for more information. A detailed description of the class/study is online at www.douglascountyextension.org