Unless you've been living under a rock you know that O.J. Simpson is back in the spotlight once again, where he seems to like it. (Did he ever really leave it?) The release of the book detailing his "hypothetical confession" has a lot of people talking and all this talk has made me think, as it's meant to. Now I will add my two cents to the discussion.
When I realized that O.J. and my ex-boyfriend have a lot in common it was a little disturbing. No, my ex did not commit a double-murder, but he did commit an assault of sorts against me. He, like O.J. did something morally wrong, he knows it, shows no remorse for it, and seemingly got away with it. Because my ex did not commit murder his crime is not as obvious to others but the damage he inflicted remains, and also like O.J. does in the book to Nicole, my ex has tried to justify what he did by attacking my character.
Like Nicole, I was the victim of abuse in my relationship; not physical but emotional. I know I am not alone and that many women have suffered from this type of abuse.
When abuse does not result in bruises or broken bones the victim does not have clear evidence of the cruelty, but emotional abuse is just as harmful. Emotional abuse is harder to identify and therefore so is gaining support for the victim. Women that suffer physical abuse experience emotional abuse as well, but for women who are victims of emotional abuse that does not become physical, it's not only more difficult to detect by outsiders, but by the woman experiencing it.
People see me as a strong, intelligent, and capable woman and I like to think that's true, but I still found myself the victim of emotional abuse. It was not always apparent to me (or my friends and family) since my ex boyfriend is a master of justifications and rationalizations for his behavior, as are most abusers. He can manipulate and spin as artfully and skillfully as any politician and when you love someone and care about them it's normal to consider their opinions and concerns, but in an abusive situation this is always to the victim's detriment. The compassion that the victim has for the man she loves and the sacrifices and compromises she is willing to make for the good of the relationship is not reciprocal with an abuser; he exploits it. The abuser's only concern is himself. Unfortunately it takes some time to recognize you are being emotionally abused because it happens gradually. Making compromises in a healthy relationship is natural but a victim of emotional abuse capitulates to the abuser to avoid negative consequences, which is usually some form of passive-aggressive punishment when he doesn't get his way. (Withholding affection, silent treatment, etc.)
It takes courage and strength to confront it and get out of an unhealthy, abusive relationship. I did leave, but only after spending a year of my life with him. The abuse intensified after that because I didn't give him his way and he responded like a petulant child throwing a tantrum; then he set out to punish me in every way he could.
Abusers try to isolate their victim and they have many ways of doing this; discrediting the victim is on the top of their list. Trying to control what others think and presenting an image that they are good guys while disparaging their victim is typical. Abusers are often very charming and well-liked individuals that no one would suspect could be abusive, so when they make their case they are very convincing and the victim of abuse is further victimized. Seeking help is difficult because even those close to the abuser doubt the victim when she suggests there is a problem; after all she has no evidence of abuse only how she feels she's been treated. This is often met with "gas-lighting", a response that tries to convince the victim to doubt and second-guess her feelings and instincts, which inherently she does since no one will believe such a "great guy" could be capable of harming her in any way.
With all the recent attention to O.J. and the book I considered how many women must suffer from emotional abuse and not only don't recognize that's what it is, but are silent victims suffering alone. The pain of emotional abuse and the damaging affects it has spreads through the entire family of the victim, but more often than not it goes unnoticed an unacknowledged so is allowed to continue.
It has taken thirteen years for a murderer to once again face the justice system and be held accountable for his actions and crimes against others, and his crimes are much more apparent than those of your more average abuser. Will O.J. finally be punished? Will the families of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman receive justice once and for all?
The truth about what O.J. did to Nicole and Ron is widely accepted and the book further cements his guilt, but it's O.J.'s own arrogance that brought about even more clarity. What about the O.J.'s out there that are smarter, better manipulators, and more subtle but just as heartless, cruel, and remorseless? Their victims may never get justice and never get recognition or help because our society has come to accept morally bankrupt behavior while letting the offender get away with it, especially the ones who haven't done something blatantly illegal but merely morally despicable, like breaking up marriages or being a dead-beat dad. People who know the difference between right and wrong knowingly and willingly commit unpunishable crimes all the time because they can get away with it and no one calls them out on their behavior. We have become a nation of people who not only look the other way and turn a blind eye to it but accept it.
I've heard from foreigners more than once that to them America is a society of people that avoid the truth, both in telling it and accepting it. We are a nation in denial and it's causing irreparable damage. It starts with our families and infects our entire country and only a minority of humanity seems to notice or care. The people who do not tolerate and speak out against selfish, narcissistic people who inflict harm on others with no remorse face greater challenges in life than those who do not and I find that very disturbing.