I have myself a summer crush.

It will be looked upon with derision in some circles.

This isn't the mellifluous love of Zuko and Sandy, this is a tale of forbidden love. This is the story of the poor peasant boy and the future Queen of England, the story of Mandingo and the slave trader's wife, the type of story whose big screen adaptation would star Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

It's a love whose story can never be spoken of without the tone of a feigned sarcastic nature, so as to not upset the ones who have worn out their Flight of the Conchords and import Spaced DVD's. Shhh, they don't like it when one of their own "dumb it down".

But I can't hold it in anymore, the pain in my heart is too great an animal to keep caged. I must go to the rooftop and shout it out loud...but first I must walk to my stereo, put on a little MGMT, turn that bad boy up to 11, maybe even kick that bass up to 3. Look, I never said I wanted people to hear what I was shouting. I must box clever against the unsuspected.

Larry the Cable Guy makes me laugh ... A LOT. Ahh, the weight of the world is now lifted off my sturdy yet lovelorn shoulder.

The discovery I have made within myself was repressed and fraught with pre-programmed bias. From day one I found him uncouth, simple and ignorant. Every time I saw him I wanted to punch him. I wished him dead. If he was lying in the street bloody and dying from his wounds and his last wish was a drink of water from the worlds largst water bottle, which I happen to be holding , I'd step over him and keep on moving. Then one day Larry and I find common ground. Larry drops a little comedy of a scatological nature...a real deuce(y) if you will. I love me some scatological humor. I immediately swoon. I see Larry in a whole new light...when did he become so charming and witty? I spend the rest of the night with him, laughing at every word uttered out of his tobacco stained mouth. My heart is all a-flutter. I discover something in me...my redneck self.

Oh Larry my Larry, why must you be so God Damn funny... to me. It's not fair; your morning constitutions should evoke regurgitation, not belly laughter. I now find myself walking around saying "Git -R- Done" and I'm making myself laugh in the process. Oh Larry my Larry, what have you done to me? You turned me inside out. What's next, I actually turn the lights on, open up the blinds, turn up the volume and not lock my bedroom door when I watch a Michael Bay film? This is madness people.

Maybe one day the Cable Guy and I can meet, we can sit on his porch one delightful Nebraska summer evening (is that an oxymoron?), listen the crickets, swat the mosquitoes, complain about the weather and gas prices. I can give him some insight into what I find funny, like the scene in Evil Dead where that one chick gets raped by a tree, the taint your wagon and tofutti skits from Mr. Show,Sideways, that Peter Jackson Muppet movie, Meet the Feebles, where the Muppets are degenerate gamblers, drug addicts and sex fiends and Anne Heche trying to pass herself off as a genealogist in the movie Volcano,...hilarious. I will show these to him, he'll discover something in himself... snobby elitism. Then we'll both laugh at his poor attempt at a movie career and both will concur that Rob Schneider might be a funnier actor. It will be a magical night.

As I mentioned before, Larry isn't liked by some circles...circles I tend to make my time in. If these circles were to find Larry lying in the street, bloody and dying from his wounds, not only would they walk past him, they'd either kick him, stick the knife in deeper, or shoot him in the knee caps so the pain of dying could be kicked up a notch or two. They will clown me for my love and I may not get invited to the Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds show and when I talk about how much I loved Son of Rambow and TheFoot Fist Way, they will say I'm a wannabe and that I should dial it down, maybe The Love Guru is more my speed. Larry and I will text each other as he will be met with a shunned eye because he starts using the word au courant every day and mentions how he feels NASCARmight be boring and beneath him. We don't need them, we'll have each other to make us laugh.

Will this last? Is this just a summer fling? What about when Larry David returns with another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry is really funny. What's with me and Larry's?

"Summer fling, don't mean a thing, but oh oh the summer nights"

PH