A true panty story ( I bet you didn't think it was possible) ...

While celebrating with friends at one of Denver's fine eateries, "Stephanie" ate heartily and with abandon. Yes, she did so right up until her throat closed and all went dark. When she awoke, controlled chaos surrounded her ... her pants were cut up the sides; her blouse thrown open; tubes went in her arms, down her shirt and up her pant legs to places she didn't want to think about; and restaurant odors melded with those harsh medical smells. Just then, a hot firefighter with smoldering bedroom eyes and a sexy smile ( they all have those, don't they?) leaned over and said, "You're back. The paramedics had to start your heart, but you'll be fine." And, that, my dear friends, is when the reality of what was truly happening darted sharply into focus.

She was wearing granny panties!

Oh, the pain of hearing wretched female screams echoing around the world ( no drama queens here)!

Now, every man in the same situation would hyperventilate over the fact that his heart stopped, but not us females. Oh no, it's not about literal heart failure or seeing the white light at the end of a long tunnel or friends standing over us with panic in their eyes mentally making our funeral arrangements. Paa-leez! There are more important issues than facing death like, oh say, what panties we're wearing when a gorgeous hero saves our life!

Gentlemen, it's a chick thing. I'll spare you the concept of matching bras at this time and just focus on the bottom half.

We have panties for everything, and our reasoning isn't to be questioned (is it ever?). It's all about having panties, more panties, and just in case we don't have enough, spare panties. Furthermore, if there's one thing we know for sure in this unsure life, it's that the words firefighters and granny panties should never be uttered in the same sentence.

Proper panty selection is critical at all times and usually a female sixth sense. But, I understand that most men can't relate, so to be of assistance, I've taken the liberty of developing the Panty Drawer Dictionary complete with basic definitions and sidebar commentary.

Old Faithful Panties - the daily cotton, comfy panties you can always count on when all else fails ... they never ride up the butt, they're always soft and cozy, and they come in all different colors and designs to suit any mood. The best time to wear these is when you curl up in a chair with a good novel and hot cup of tea. Ahhh...

Slimmers - some sadistic marketing expert's slick title for one of those chin-to-toes-breathing-optional-squeezing-all-life-out-of-me-never-gonna-get-laid-in-this-sucka-I-think-my-ovaries-are-now-up-against-my-kidney panties that prohibit sitting, standing, peeing, breathing and quick movements of any sort. But, damned if I don't look good in this dress!

Granny Panties - those waist to thigh all white cotton or satin underwear (the word "panties" really doesn't apply to these things) that your grandmother used to wear and are now used in general to tie on the end of a stick and wave at your enemy in surrender. There are only two possible reasons for owning granny panties: in need of future period panties and birth control.

The Thong - in my day ( jeez, I am officially my mother), "thongs" were something you wore on your feet. Nowadays, whether it's the G-String, the V-String or the basic thong, it all equates to butt floss or material disappearing up the backside never to be seen again. I don't get it. Why would anyone do that on purpose?

Period Panties - damaged granny panties, red or black panties and/or any other panty that has seen better days.Enough said.

Oprah Panties (AKA: Spanks) - no J-E-L-L-O cause nothing's going to giggle or wiggle in these babies! Spandex that doesn't choke the life out of us, and we can actually jog and exercise without worrying about having to bend over in those thin leggings...think about it.

Laundry Day Panties - I haven't done laundry in a month, dig through the back of the drawer to find that wadded up old ratty pair we know is in there, hold it up for inspection only to discover the seams torn and light coming through the thinning backside. You know, the ones that make you seriously consider going commando.

Booty Panties - "Oh, whine ... I don't have a butt and need extra padding built into my panties." Shut up, nobody wants to hear about how your backside is too skinny.

Holiday Panties - sexy panties with added sparkles, bells and sometimeswhistles (ho, ho, ho!)

Sex Panties - this dictionary author found no reason to explain these. If you don't know what they are, then you're not having sex and have bigger problems to worry about.