The other night, I was having a fun conversation a nice man (it's been known to happen); we were laughing about the basic differences between men and women when he piped up and said, "I have a theory."

Oh, this ought to be good.

"Men only need four things in life to be happy."

"Really?" I said, "Do tell!"

Giddy with the knowledge that great writing material was about to be bestowed upon me and always compelled by my duty to pass new found information to the masses, I grabbed a pen and paper. And, so it goes ...

The four things men need to be happy are:

To be fed.
To be loved.
To think they have control every once in a while even when they don't.
To have some form of adventure.

Ummm...pretty simple I must admit ... and, truly, not all that surprising (food, sex, power, adrenaline rushes - I'm shocked!). Of course, being female, I had to mess with him a little and posed the rhetorical question, "So, if it's that simple, how come more men aren't blissfully happy?"

Silence.

You could almost hear the rattling running rampant in his brain: "Is that a trick question ... why do women do that ... how do I answer her without pissing her off ... if I say, 'women get in the way,' then ... mamma always said, if you can't say something nice ... how the hell do I get out of this?

It was time to let him off the hook, "Women! Women screw up men's straightforward plans every time." I think he was shocked and amazed to discover that not only did I understand and accept the male caveman mentality, but I had boobs to boot. What can I say; I'm somewhat of an anomaly.

Women; my over-analytical, there's got to be more to it than meets the eye gender who is compelled by nature to assign our logic and emotion to everything in our male counterpart's world whether they need it or not. And, so the feminine version goes...

The four things a woman thinks men need to be happy are:

To be fed - of course men need food for the soul! Why wouldn't they? I'm so saddened by the poor emotionally starved man who is spiritually unable to connect to his inner child allowing him to courageously and openly express his thoughts and desires with the freedom of a soaring eagle. I can fix that. A good solid meal made up of Oprah's enlightened philosophies and a compilation tape with Dr. Phil's extraordinary insightful meditative one-liners is just what he needs to fill the void. I'll hold his hand while he watches my complete Oprah, the Early Years collector's series DVD's, so when he is overcome with tears, I'm there for him ready and waiting with dessert: Kleenex, the latest Cosmo questionnaire and pen in hand.

To be loved - I can fix that. It's universally known that a man can't feel truly loved unless he is emotionally full so please see feeding instructions above. If the above doesn't work, an endive salad with lemon juice (on the side, please) and a diary in a quiet corner of the room where he can write his most private and self-nurturing thoughts will certainly open his soul to accept my love. I will complete him.

To think they're in control every once in a while even when they aren't - Call me crazy and selfish, but why would I want to fix that? I'm just saying ...

To have some form of adventure - I can fix that. I'll buy tickets to that new Italian opera next Sunday afternoon. And, after that, we'll stroll over to the art museum and see the Georgia O'Keefe exhibit. I bet he'll really love it if I treat him to the headset so he can listen to her life story while he studies each of her works. Or, wait; I have that scrapbooking conference next weekend, now there's an adventure he'll never forget!

Ladies, why do we insist on making more work for ourselves? Men really do make it easy; we have nobody to blame but ourselves.

I can fix that.

There's no need to over complicate. Make your man happy the easy way. Grill a steak with a side of potato whatever, jump him for dessert, slap a bungee cord on to the back of his belt, shove him off the highest building, lean over the edge waving vigorously and shout, "You're right dear, this was a great idea!" Then go back to your novel or celebrity trash magazine, kick your feet up and sip your wine in peace.

P.S. If you really like the man, you may want to remember to attach the other end of the bungee cord to something secure or he may not think he's in control. Remember, ladies, details ... details ... success lies in the execution.

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Now, now ... for those of you about to blast me for my political incorrectness or are incensed that I think women control men, don't make me write an article on the definition of satire.