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Blog Entry 75 of 149 Bad Mom
I call myself Bad Mom because at the time I came up with it, I was learning about the assumptions we put behind our words. I was following the pattern of not believing that my kids are okay, and speaking to them from that basis. I changed that, and it made a big difference. I am from Utah and my people are still living there. My husband was in the Air Force and we rattled around until we saw Colorado, and we stuck.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~Huh

Nirvanax Part IV--Broken
Contributed by: Lisa Arata   on 5/27/2008

By now you've probably guessed what's happened. I said I was 'supposed' to be Amari's "Nexit." But it's mine!

I met Amari this morning for a shake at Vita-Hoochie. She said we have to stop eating the junk that gets passed off as food at The Warren, and start on a healthy kick. We promised each other we'd having nothing but the Vita Hoochie Protein Wondershake. So, both of us ordered one. Our friend, Shaw, was working the counter and she gave us a friendly "Hayyy" and so did we. Then she kind of winked at Amari and I didn't notice it much at the time. Those shakestaste so terrible, you know they're good for you.

The sun is going down over Pike's Peak. I'm starting to wonder why I should write this to you. If it drifts off in the middle of a sentence, just know that I realized there's nothing you can do about what's going to happen. And there's no reason why I should explain it. Does the expression "sh*t happens" exist yet in 2008? It'll be a big one.

Now Amari and Kreed and even Shaw are here. Whenever they look at me, their eyes linger a bit too long.

Amari is pretending this is her Nex party. She's even got a white and black thing in a prescription bottle.

Okay, I'm back. They're all sitting around here. We're groovin' on our compies, talking to each other a little, eating shmoozies and drinking chocolate protein shakes. Amari is talking about how life has been great, but she can't wait to move on to what's next. If you could only see how excited she is, like it's a treat. Nobody who's really dying would ever think it's a party. How fake. How shallow.

I look out over my mom's balcony. By the way, shebeeped inearlier and I saw how much fun she was having out there with her clients in Colo Springs. I didn't ask her to come. I just told her I loved her, and that'll have to be enough.

But the view over the mountains is so fresh and full of pretty burnt-salmon God rays. I wish I still believed it really was God.

I think the euphorea part of the Nirvanax is kicking in. I stand up on the edge of the patio and hold my arms out wide, and I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel the color and the light tickling my soul as it pulses all around and through my body. I am the color. Everybody runs over to the balcony and puts their hands on my arms. They think I'm somehow out of my mind, and that I'm going to jump. That's cute, how they pretend to care, or actually think they do. But it's really that nobody wants to pick a broken body up off the pavement below.

Besides, I have things to say to Amari. I'd better say them soon before I...

I'm going to die.

You know what? None of us really knows, anymore, what it means to live life. We're stuck here in time and space. It's all we mostly know. It's dirty down there. And it's dirty inside our hearts and minds. No way to clean up the mess. Amari is with me now, and I can tell her:

You always talked about taking Nirvanax. You were depressed. Remember all those walks we took, down through the town and over to your folks' place, and how we rode the transit out to the mountains? I tried to keep you moving. I tried to help you find your way to the light again. Remember the times we cried? That time we both caught HIV and had to go get that stuff?

Then suddenly you were okay. You said you'd decided to go forward. I thought you meant forward into life.

Now you're a murderer. How does that feel?

Amari, stop trying to explain. Don't bother. You'll be stuck with yourself now.

Life is flowing through me. I know now. I'm not really alive anyway. I just had the use of some small quantity of life. It emanated and it flowed through me and I was just an eddy. Soon my body will lose its hold on life and I'll be done. I've been like a cracked bowl, barely holding as much water as I could have, if only I'd been better taken care of.

It feels...so good...to finally know I'm broken.

This makes Amari cry. I say I'm broken and she thinks she broke me.

No, Amari. I was always broken, and broken I will stay. It just feels so good to let go and be this.

No, Amari. I'm not glad you did this to me. Would you want to be someone's experiement? Would you?

No, Amari, I'm not grateful to you. I would like to have had the chance to live more of this life, finally knowing I was broken. I could have forgiven and loved so much more. I could have known myself as real.

My mother is here. I have to say goodbye to her. Mom, I want you to know that Amari gave me Nirvanax. You being an attorney... I want you to know that I see her as broken too. It's beautiful, how much it hurts!

I love you, mother. Together, or far apart. I claim you as my mother. Don't worry that you don't know me. You've got my computer to look through. That'll have to do.

My feet have lost all feeling. Mylegs don't feel numb yet, but they don't have any pulse. I feel like I'm dying.


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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
Submitted By: Michael Rule
posted on 5/31/2008 @ 6:30:54 AM
Rated Blog Entry
I kinda thought I saw the similarities. Dang, but you whipped this one off quick! lol Pretty good writing Lisa!
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Submitted By: Lisa Arata
posted on 5/28/2008 @ 2:53:21 PM
(Not Rated)
I wrote it to express my feelings about my friend and what happened. Thanks for reading!
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Submitted By: Michael Rule
posted on 5/28/2008 @ 6:26:07 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Golly
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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Lisa Arata

Greeley , CO

Lisa Arata has posted 149 blog entries and 235 comments since joining on 4/18/2007. Lisa Arata 's average blog rating is 4.78.
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