de·vi·ant /'di vi ?nt/ Pronunciation Key -[ dee-vee- uh nt]

A person or thing that deviates or departs markedly from the accepted norm.

There's going to be a quiz later on.

I'm not a fan of public restrooms. They're for the less fortunate, you know, people who are blessed with such empyreal bliss like Crohns Disease, or that bladder that could very possibly be the size of a pea, or, and this is for you pop culture habitué's out there--(insert your own Larry Craig joke here), because I will not pander... okay fine, have you heard the one about Larry Craig and Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? Well I can't repeat it here but it involves clicking your heals, the Captain of the Winkie Guards, the Tin Man and it ends with someone saying "The Aristocrats"...funny, funny stuff.

Anyhoo...

Crowds, the feeling of being rushed, these things aren't what I'd call a party I'm down with, so the public loo is a no fly zone. The only problem with that hard line stance is like my friend and yours, Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh, all of us, at some point, get the call to go to the show.

I'm a stall guy, through and through. I've been a loyalist to the stall since the day I was born (sung in the key of Dukes of Hazzard). There I said it.

Tell me the reasoning for fouling up the stall toilets and not flushing?

I'm not talking about the yellow let it mellow rule, I'm talking about the 'ol number 2. I will also make a reference point to the desire of people feeling the need to help clean up the bathroom floor...with their pee. I'm also pleased when I get to bask in one of those special moments when something is dripping from the ceiling/walls...and that something is pee. It's seems to me there is this weird impetuous motion that allows seemingly normal people, people you invite over on Saturday night for a barbeque and a mean session of Scene It, people who watch your kids when you go to work, people who blog, people who own pets, people who buy books and actually read them, people who pay taxes, people who shake your hand at church to act in a manner that is a little unbecoming. These people, who when they walk into the bathroom of (insert the public facility of your choice here) suddenly get the urge to carry out almost prurient like desires to leave you, the unsuspected, their contribution to the world of modern art. What's the deal bro'? I know you don't do this at home, so what gives when you're out amongst the living?

Deviant Behavior perhaps?

Are people just acting out against all that oppresses them? Am I just the blessed soul who always picks the stall where someone decided they were now going to be anal-nonretentive and they want to show the world (i.e. ME)? Have we started to become so lazy that we feel everything is automatic and will flush on its own? Do we harbor such back minded twisted deviancy that any chance we get to do something that is just short of getting caught with our pants around our ankles as we delve into illicit congress with a hole in the wall we'll do it? Is this just a dude phenomenon? I've never heard a girl talk about this, but then again, this isn't the sort of subject I feel is an appropriate rap session during my time to make the sexy with the lady friend.

My god people this is madness.

These non-actions for which I speak of, they weren't a 400 level class in college. Toilet bowls haven't shrunk in diameter...they're huge man. The flushing thing? It's a quick easy motion, less than 3 steps (you can even make a song out of it " Turn around flush it down" perhaps...whatever you desire). It's almost part of our preternatural package. Ever heard of the term courtesy flush...there's a reason for it. Even members of the green team would find foulness with our desire to "save the planet" if you will.

So as I sat at Chipotle on Friday with 3 friends known affectionately as Paul 2.0, the Gaylon (real name Waylon...yes we are this mature) and the JB. I got to looking around and started to play find the non-flusher(s) in the room. But I suddenly realized there just might be another angle. So I began to hypothesize.

Let's take out the deviancy theory and pull our focus towards this theory.

Terrorism.

What if there was an underground terrorist network whose intent wasn't to kill you right away, but would rather slowly unnerve you with its green apple splatter dishes in a brown sauce?

So I've been in the lab, with my abacus, working this out and have come up with a list of 5 suspects that could be the ring leaders in their dastardly plot against the unsuspected.

5 prime suspects.

· Roberto Benigni-yeah, remember this guy, Mr. Calm. Let's look at the facts: 1) The man was able to suck on the sweet teet of success, then "poof", it's gone. I'd be upset too. Our love of propping someone up on pedestal, only to quickly knock them down would be unnerving, so what better way to unnerve the unsuspected than with a nice heaping of well you know...

· Osama Bin Laden-this is just an obvious choice.

· Jose Canseco-those baseball players weren't hanging around in stalls injecting steroids and growth hormones, they were dropping kids off at the pool and not letting them go down the slide.

· Oprah Winfrey-Hey kids, read my book of the month, take it to the bathroom, then you know, do what you need to do and just leave, its cool. Do this for me and I'll buy you a new car.

· John Mark Karr-He's convinced he flushed the toilet though.

Well, whether it be terrorists or the desire to kick it naughty style, it needs to stop. We're more advanced than how we apparently roll people, figure it out. We walked on the moon for (censored) sakes.

This cat figured it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-Oa1_2sNWw

Now repeat after me, our new mantra.

We don't fling our poo and we always flush at the loo.

Here endeth the lesson.

Your friend and savior.

Paul Hughes