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Blog Entry 69 of 106 Bad Mom

I call myself Bad Mom because at the time I came up with it, I was learning about the assumptions we put behind our words. I was following the pattern of not believing that my kids are okay, and speaking to them from that basis. I changed that, and it made a big difference. I am from Utah and my people are still living there. My husband was in the Air Force and we rattled around until we saw Colorado, and we stuck.

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What it's like today

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Contributed by: Lisa Arata on 5/20/2008

Self-centered and solipsitic view of the inner Lisa, since the other side cannot be known.

Frightened about the harm I could have caused or be causing to others.

Remorse for making someone else vulnerable to outside eyes, and for taking another person's life too casually and not holding the shared intimacies in gentle, trustworthy hands.

Embarassment that mutual friends might have seen what I said and also see it the same way--as crude and goofy, thus a reflection of my own character.

Woefulness at my blindness. I had heard one wasn't supposed to use names or personal facts, and yet somehow I didn't think it applied to me.

Regret that it took something like this to drive it home. I must be one of those people who have to pee on the electric fence to learn.

Happiness that finally someone responded in an honest, forthright and appropriate manner to some of my foibles. I don't get as much direct feedback and criticism as I should.

Love because I was treated the way a big sister treats a little sister.

Relief that I'm finally feeling sad and upset over something legitimately sad and upsetting, rather than just having experiential angst over nothing real.

Afraid of the wrath and that the scorn will go on forever.

Shame over my deficiencies.

Pride that I'm maintaining a sense of self-esteem. Not the good kind of self-esteem that comes from success or winning, but the nitty-gritty kind that reminds me I am still who I am, good and bad, and I'm not defined by what I did.

Joy at learning lessons, finally, that I probably should have learned in my teenager years.

It goes on. I wish I had something fun to say. Thanks for reading.

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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Lisa Arata

Greeley , CO

Lisa Arata has posted 106 blog entries and 139 comments since joining on 4/18/2007. Lisa Arata 's average blog rating is 4.77.

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