What I'm about to tell you is true - crazy, unbelievable, but true.

While it didn't happen to me (no, really, it wasn't me), I can only say, "Oh by the grace of God go I." This is a dating story from hell. No, correction, this is the dating story from hell. We've all had these misfortunate experiences and have lived to tell the tale to friends while sharing gut wrenching laughter and a nice bottle of wine. But this one is unique. Why? Because one man single-handedly managed to pull off four of the most obvious, cliche dating deal breakers in the first ten minutes causing an otherwise patient, kind-hearted woman to sneak out through the bathroom never to be seen again. Oh no, this is not stuff of lore. Nor could Lifetime Television for Women come up with anything better. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a dating nightmare.

We'll call her Grace. A nice, forty 'ish woman dabbling in the online dating world. She wasn't naive. She wasn't unattractive or unintelligent. No, folks, she was brave. Oh, so brave. After chatting online with a nice gentleman for a few weeks, she decided to meet him for dinner. Yes, stop screaming at me ... I know coffee is always the preferred first meeting date since it's short and sweet with a built-in exit plan, but I didn't know Grace personally so couldn't give her the benefit of my expertise or slap her upside the head in that subtle lady-like manner of mine. However, dinner was still in a public place complete with a back door, so kudos to Grace wherever she may be.

Grace dressed in a nice outfit, fluffed her hair and created a wholesome illusion with natural make-up. No, Grace was not the Cruella DeVille type with sharp angles, a fierce look and a diva attitude. She was simple with a classic style. Upon arriving at the restaurant, she anxiously looked around for the man who described himself as tall with a full head of dark brown hair and matching brown eyes ... dare she dream?

She was eagerly, yet stylishly pacing when in walks the "date."

Sidebar: there are not enough adequate adjectives for what I'm about to tell you, but I'll do my best. Remember, this is a true story. There's no once upon a time fairytale ending here.

As he sauntered towards her with that look of "this is your lucky night, baby," she heard the clicking of his white cowboy boots on the stone floors; his heels, she noticed with a quick glance, were higher than the ones she wore. Her mind raced. So, he lied about his height, so what, right? So he wears higher heels than I do, I can overlook that can't I? Maybe he's color blind? Oh, so brave.

He then gallantly took her hand in his and bent to kiss the back ever so lightly in introduction ... it was then, however, that she knew ... oh hell no! Is that a shellacking gone awry? Is it paint? Varnish? No, its spray-on hair with those built-in flecks designed to trick the female species into thinking his hair had texture and depth! Was she supposed to swoon? Who invented that stuff and what the hell were they thinking?

Deep breath, Grace, breathe ... that's it ...

As you may recall, Grace was kind, so she sat down determined to make the best of an icky situation and hope for a quick end. Yes, while this wasn't her knight in shining armor, and her dreams were shattered into tiny specs scattered at her feet, she could tolerate politeness for one evening.

Or five minutes as it turned out to be. When he finished ordering for her from the waitress named "sweetie" and "honey" (must have been her middle name) and "babe" or some such thing, the good-natured Grace could take it no longer. She smiled demurely and excused herself to the ladies room. That, my dear friends, was the last the dating world has seen of dear, sweet, patient Grace.

What is the moral of this true story? Listen, learn and memorize the female species dating deal breakers and don't break them. This isn't rocket science. They aren't difficult and our gender truly isn't that complicated. To assist you, I'll highlight the top faux pas' from Grace's nightmare.

If a woman goes to the bathroom and never comes back, it's safe to say you've broken one or more of these Universally Accepted Female Dating Deal Breakers:

First, white high-heeled shoes in any style are not an aphrodisiac. We will not speak of this again.

Second, hair snafus: Comb overs are wrong. I repeat ... comb overs are wrong! Spray on hair with or without flecks ... uh, please don't go there. That's like fake snow on a shiny silver Christmas tree. It's just not natural. Mullets ... oh, the agony, yet, here I am putting it on the written page.

Gentlemen, pay attention - this is important. There is nothing sexier than a bald (or balding) man with confidence. Shave your head or leave it alone, but whatever you do, just throw your shoulders back and go for it. Trust me on this one.

Third, arrogance is bad. In other words, thinking we believe you to be a big man when you call other women sweetie, honey, or babe. Snapping your finger at them in lieu of a pet name isn't any better either; it's just boring, and we have laundry to do. Trust me on this one too: a true gentleman is down right hot.

And, of most importance - don't lie to us. Especially, don't lie about the obvious because that provokes the look you are probably imagining is on my face at this very moment. We can see your shoes; we can see if you have hair, we can see how tall you are, we aren't stupid.

One last bit of advice. Gentlemen, if you find yourself on a date with a woman who thinks all of the above make you a hunky catch? Run! The back exit isn't gender specific, and I'll even hold the door for you.
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P.S. It's now October and 'tis the season for horror stories and hauntings. As such, stay tuned ... I'll soon be sharing a personal true story about dating hell. Caution: it did involve the now pegged Hoover Wet Vac, so if you are of a sensitive nature, beware.