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Blog Entry 5 of 5 Plethorarosie's Prattles

I'll be writing about my life experiences (past and present), and my feelings. Basically, my blog will be more like a diary, or journal. I'm almost 56 years old. As I look back, and even now, I realize that although I may have found my life boring as I've lived it, my life is actually been full of experiences. Some are good, most are not.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~Plethorarosie

I Made Him Hate The 'Old' Me

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Contributed by: Rose West Ekerholm on 2/15/2008

I've been trying for over two years to get in touch with my birth daughter's birth father. I've sent numerous letters to his mother, but got all of the letters back but one. I sent letters to him at a 'last known address' for him. I didn't get that back.

I haven't seen Frank for over 31 years. Our daughter is going to be 35 next month. She wants to have contact with her bio father, and get to know him.

So on February 12, I got a letter in the mail from Frank. Seems he and his mother don't talk anymore, but she gave Frank's brother the information on how he might contact me.

He gave me his brother's phone # and another person's # that he knows. I called both #s. I left a message on each phone. That night he called me.

What does a person say to someonewhom they've ripped the heart out of? I still don't really know. I'm afraid that he won't want to talk to me again. I want so much to be his friend. I want so much for him to forgive me .... even though I can't forgive myself.

Then again, I'm afraid he'll want to come and see me. I've changed so much. I've gotten fat. I have numerous health problems that made me fat. I go to a shrink. I suffer from panic attacks. I'm not as trusting and naive as I used to be. Yet, I'm not the same self-centered, immature brat I used to be. I've developed some talents, and now I look past my little world and learn about social and political issues. I'm not sure we'll agree on a lot of things. I don't know if he'll like the 'new' me...but then again, I made him hate the 'old' me.

We only talked for about 10 minutes, and I didn't want to get off the phone. I have so many questions to ask him, and so much to tell him. I was stuttering and ramblinglike a fool when I was talking to him.

I gave him our daughter's phone #. I'm sure he'll call her, but he hasn't yet. I'm assuming he's nervous about calling her. Maybe he's afraid she won't like him.

So, I've been a nervous wreck the last three days. I'm emotional, scared he will call, scared he won't call. Scared he won't want to be my friend, scared he will.

Most of all, I'm scared he won't call Tonya. Everytime I think about them talking, my stomach gets queasy. It's because I want so much for them to love each other. It's my fault they don't know each other. I want so much to make things right, but I know I can't. All I can do is sit back and hope for the best. Meanwhile, I'm a wreck.

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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Rose West Ekerholm

Anoka , MN

Rose West Ekerholm has posted 5 blog entries and 0 comments since joining on 7/9/2006. Rose West Ekerholm 's average blog rating is 4.5.

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