Women everywhere have received that email joke about porn for women where the hot hunky guy with rippling six pack abs is vacuuming. Or, the half-naked guy with bulging, glistening biceps is lifting the trash from the kitchen container and the caption says, "Here honey, let me take this out without being asked." Okay, I admit it ... that's pretty awesome porn.
Now back to reality. Don't you hate when I do that? I completely understand if you stop reading for a few minutes, close your eyes and imagine the perfect male specimen sans his shirt taking out the trash. But, only for a minute because beyond that it should be, well ... you know ... private.
Reality check: How many men that look like a firefighter pinup are there for the taking? And, how many of those men are out there waiting to give us a massage without copping a feel? Not many and those rare few are currently lined up outside my door begging me to grace them with my effervescent feminine being (lucky me, I have a very active imagination).
Back to the reality check: Most women are everyday ladies. We have flaws and know that real men have flaws too, but are still incredibly sexy in spite of them. We know they may have six packs minus a few ... or five. We don't want real men to walk around bare-chested and oiled up in the hopes someone comes along with a camera. Ego is so boring. We know it's genetically impossible for any man to always do and say the perfect thing at the perfect time. We're just
real everyday women. As such, our expectations of porn are
realistic, yet equally satisfying. So ...
Realistic Porn for the Everyday Woman
He sits through an entire chick flick without giving us "
the look." You all know what that look is ... it's the same look we give him when he thinks Bruce Willis jumping from a burning car onto a jet plane's wing is realistic, and he thinks he can do it too.
He doesn't use our razor in the shower.
Hint: it's the pink one.
He doesn't think doing the dishes once a month warrants constant bragging.
He gets
us a beer.
He takes out the trash after we ask only once ... or twice. If we get to three times, the porn part of this flies right out the window - just an FYI.
He lets his daughter paint his fingernails pink.
Now that's hot!
If he even knows where the vacuum is, we're turned on.
He keeps himself and the kids away from the bathroom door so we can soak in peace without smacking his hands away or listening to kids screaming, "MOM!" a million times.
He doesn't care if it's not on sale. And, it doesn't matter what "it" is.
The toilet seat is down every time we go into the bathroom, and we never again have to endure the shock of a midnight butt freeze after falling in.
He actually reads the instructions before assembling anything we're going to sit on, sleep on or use in any way, shape or form.
He calls a plumber, but still wears the tool belt.
He doesn't stop for directions, but listens when we give them to him especially when we're in the passenger seat holding the map.
He hands us cash with a smile, asks when our girlfriend is coming over to go to the mall and suggests we buy a new pair of shoes.
Realistic Porn for the Everyday Man: anything that involves boobs, racing, boobs, football, boobs, beer, boobs, all chick flicks blown to smithereens by the Terminator, boobs, poker, boobs, big screen televisions, boobs, power tools, boobs, cars, boobs, not having to go to the mall, boobs, their own bathroom without anything frilly anywhere in sight (we like that too), boobs... you see the pattern.