I've been thinking a lot about my family since my last article. For those of you that didn't read it, I'll explain. A cousin I didn't know I had, called me out of the blue on Dec. 28th. She is from my father's side of the family, and I only met one cousin, and her parents, once, when I was about 15 years old. I never met my paternal grandparents.

I come from a very dysfunctional family. There are a lot of secrets/skeletons in both of the closets. I just found out that my father had been married and divorced before he met my mother. That doesn't bother me, but I just wonder why it was such a secret. Apparently, this lady is still alive, and keeps in touch with his family. I don't THINK I have any half-siblings, but I didn't even think to ask.

When I was 5 years old, my mom and I left my father because of his drinking. We lost contact with him, and then when I was 14, my mom heard from him through my Gramma. He said he'd quit drinking, and still thought about my mother and me, and would we consider moving out to Denver to make a life with him. My mother said ok, and off we went...from Massena, NY to Denver, CO. I loved Denver! I still do. However, I wasn't at all impressed with my father. He'd lied about not drinking. He managed to keep a job though, I have to give him credit for that. He had other good qualities too. He was an awesome song writer (or at least the poems for songs). He never tried to get any published as far as I know, but I'm sure if he had, he could have made a good living from it. He was also a good cook. That's all the good qualities I can think of. I wish I could think of more.

What I remember most was the drinking and drunken verbal assaults. I remember the periods of time he would go without bathing. I also remember his obscene/inappropriate comments he used to make that he thought were funny. He didn't make them to me, but he would forget sometimes that my friends were my age. He was very crude at times.

I wish I could have met the man that other people knew...the one that my mother fell in love with. The one whom his family remembers. I miss....not missing my dad.

My cousin sent pictures/letters to me that I haven't received yet. It should be interesting to find out what is left of my father. Who knows, maybe I'll actually have feelings other than sadness and loss.