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Blog Entry 81 of 182 Bad Mom
I call myself Bad Mom because at the time I came up with it, I was learning about the assumptions we put behind our words. I was following the pattern of not believing that my kids are okay, and speaking to them from that basis. I changed that, and it made a big difference. I am from Utah and my people are still living there. My husband was in the Air Force and we rattled around until we saw Colorado, and we stuck.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~Huh

Pregnant Man and Reforming the negative mind
Contributed by: Lisa Arata   on 6/9/2008

Item one; On the cover of the Drudge Report is a nude photo of a woman who's had her breast tissue removed and taken hormone therapy to grow a beard, but then got pregnant, but still wants to be called a man. Okay, it's a new century, I know.

But hasn't s/he for one moment thought about the lack of meaning in the thinking on what makes you who you are? Or perhaps s/he's thought about it TOO much. I don't know. I'm confused too.

Hasn't s/he seen by now the singular greatness of what it means to be a mother, and how she wanted to be a man because it felt so awful to be a woman, but then surely now, she has to be feeling how magnificent it is to play a part in new life, and how wonderful it is to be a woman.

And...does she get presents for both mother's day and father's day? Too crazy, folks.

What does it mean to be a positive thinker? Somebody tell me, please. Am I supposed to look on the world's first female-to-male tranny to have a baby, and think, "Wow, isn't that cool. Look now a man can have a baby?" Is that an example of positive thinking, or does it mean somebody's lost their mind??

Item 2:

I know I'm a negative thinker. Last night I went to a dance recital and saw young women, some of whom I'd known since they were little, dancing for the final time before they go off to college. What a beautiful production and how nice it was.

I went there and sat down and because recent events have made me call my character into question, I was able to observe something about myself that I feel so ashamed of:

I was watching the dancers and picking out who wasn't very thin, or who was a step behind, or who wasn't smiling. That's when it dawned on me:

That is a really mean kind of thinking! I AM a mean person, and I didn't consciously know that. I thought I was normal.

So, I stopped picking apart the dancers and I shifted my thinking to positive mode, and what I found was, my eyes started welling up with tears at the beauty of the dancers, the choreography, the lighting, the costumes, and all the hard work these girls had done to get to such grace and beauty. I felt so small.

I need to stop there, in my thinking, because you know what I'd do next?

I'd start to compare and think of bad examples to counter the good ones. I'd think of those who didn't stay withtheir dance classesand call them losers...And so on. I'm doing it right now, and it's so hard to stop.

And then you know what I'd do? I'd say, "I wish I had stuck with something long enough to get good, but I didn't." O, how sorry for myself I feel!

And I find it hard to stop doing that, too.

I have to believe I can change. It's the only thing for it. It's the only hope.

Negative thinking is not an unvaluable characteristic. A negative thinker can easily spot what's wrong, and that is a useful task in the appropriate situation, because things that are wrong can be made right. Like in deadheading plants and cleaning up messes and giving an opinion when asked.

Otherwise, I am going to have to learn to shift and look at what's beautiful and admirable, and submit myself to the enjoyment of sublime things, and not judge whether I should find them sublime or not. And of all the things I could've written about my former friend, I picked unflattering things. I have to shake my head at how badly I did.

I suppose I come by my negative thinking through genetics and conditioning. I have to own it and hope that developing an ability to compartmentalize the criticism and put it aside most of the time, I can get better, and I'm just crying out for a way to get out of this isolation.

But it's not going to be easy. Even as I'm writing this I'm saying, "God--another blog about myself--nobody wants to read this, why can't I just shut up and give it a rest?" Well, because I have to.

An evolved person doesn't think too much of herself. She thinks about things to do that add to the quality of living for everyone around. She produces good things. She supports others.

There is a cosmic law, probably I'm remembering it from Redfield's Celestine Prophecy, that says, Whatever you pay attention to becomes stronger.

This is my hope in life: To become a master of paying attention to what is appreciable and useful in this world.

Is my blog going to be all sweetness and light from now on?

Uh...can I get back to you on that?


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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Lisa Arata

Greeley , CO

Lisa Arata has posted 182 blog entries and 282 comments since joining on 4/18/2007. Lisa Arata 's average blog rating is 4.74.
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