Dear Mattel,

As a lifelong investor of your quality plastic goods, and the recent proud owner of Barbie and her dog Tanner, I offer you my personal product review. I understand that you have a paid marketing department for such services, but as you will soon agree, my personal experience and accute expertise as an end-user cannot be purchased nor outsourced.

Please know that I am not the type of consumer that complains about Barbie's physical proportions. That's just crazy. To my experience there are plenty of women of all ages that are equally ill-proportioned, and have just as much plastic pumped into their bras.

Those of us who have followed the rise of Barbie, from suggestive pin-up gift, to teacher, veterinarian and marine biologist (she must have used her first gig to pay for college)--eagerly await each and every adventure and outfit she takes on or off next. No surprise to you, dear Mattel, I just had to purchase Barbie with her dog Tanner. The glossy blonde hair, mini-skirt, and Brittney Spear inspired undergarment immediately told me that she was ready for a day at the park with her favorite canine. I carefully started my chainsaw to remove her from the human-proof packaging. I wish I would tell you that it was only a fingernail that was chipped as I delicately shredded through the plastic. But I guess that's why I had the Barbie First-Aid set ready. Too bad I already used my tourniquet while opening Ken's playhouse complete with the girls next door. I have a question on the packaging; why sew the hair into the box? Why not use liquid nails or superglue? Imagine the extra hours of fun it would add to those of us that actually want to remove the doll out of the box. Perhaps you could just mold a tube of such adhesive into the packaging next to the toy as a help-yourself-side-order? It could also be used to patch Barbie back together after we crowbar her out.

Let's discuss Tanner and her accessories. There is a delightful food bowl with even shaped plastic sausages. I followed the instructions and stuffed the treats into the dogs hinged mouth, pumped the tail and...Tanner's rectum returned the sausages. What is confusing is that the sausages then get returned into the bowl for seconds. My own dog has eaten her own byproducts before, but unlike Barbie, I have never thought about putting it back in her bowl. I guess recycling is a sign of the times.
What's with the tazer stick that Barbie is holding? Is it a very bad park she's taking her dog to? Maybe Central Park after dark? If that's the case I think her side-kick, Tanner, is a little meek-looking of a dog. May I suggest a pit-bull? He would need some really big sausages though. Meatballs would be even better. He can rip them off the approaching Jogger-Ken, eat them, crap them--then eat them again. Yeah, I'd buy that. Maybe Barbie can dangle them off the hitch behind the Barbie-Jeep?

Then I realized that Barbie's tazer-stick picks up Tanner's sausages. I used it to put Tanner's sausages back in the included treat-box. You will find the sausages and the treat-box enclosed in this envelope. You see, Mattel, I read my labels. The bottom of that treat box says Made-in-China. Don't you know there is melamine in pet-food from China? It is one thing to feed Tanner crap, but to poison him? You may keep your sausages.

Finally I would like to note that there were no hinges on Barbie's mouth. No, I do not want to feed her feces. It's to accommodate the next suggestion for improvement-a detachable foot. This prosthesis could serve as a double feature--to attach to her backside when she's too lazy to pick up Tanner's organics, and be inserted into the hinged lips for when she has said too much. Nothing Surgery Barbie could not remedy in her plastic Ambulance, of course.

There are two types of people in this world-givers and takers. As you can see--with all the thought I have put into improvement to your product--I am a giver. It was some of this friendly advise I was trying to give your customer service rep over the phone. I am certain that it was due to the language barrier that we had a slight miscommunication, or I am sadly missing Mentally Unstable Barbie from my collection? Does she come complete with an institutional certification and a straight-jacket, or is she just fashionably crazy equipped with prescription pills and an electric razor for her own haircuts?

For more of these best-selling ideas, such as the new Sarah Palin Barbie (do not mistake for the Tina Fey Barbie knock-off), please do not be a stranger. I have included several self addressed, postage paid envelopes for your convenience.

Yours truly,

Karin Piper

Consumer