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Blog Entry 151 of 182 Bad Mom
I call myself Bad Mom because at the time I came up with it, I was learning about the assumptions we put behind our words. I was following the pattern of not believing that my kids are okay, and speaking to them from that basis. I changed that, and it made a big difference. I am from Utah and my people are still living there. My husband was in the Air Force and we rattled around until we saw Colorado, and we stuck.

The Black Dog
Contributed by: Lisa Arata   on 10/13/2008

The season has changed. So much has happened in the past year! I guess you never stop growing.

Because I was active in my life I had a great August and September was good too. My birthday is on its way.

Now I notice the thought patterns coming back, which I associate with the D-word.

Repetetive thoughts: Songs stuck in my head, phrases, lots of little flotsam swirling in the eddies of my mind.

Regrets: Mistakes I made. Ignorant things I did and said. Things I thought and said that if known might hurt people.

"Can't" thinking: A basic, wordless toggle to the dark and limited side of possibility.

Lonely and isolated feelings: Most of the time I love my alone time but sometimes it gets to me and I feel like others have love and friendship in their lives but not I. This is only a thought pattern and I know it's not true, so I try and laugh and do something fun with someone in my life.

The only difference is, this year I know I've been feeling happy and I have those memories to buoy me up and remind me that feelings pass and joy returns. It's an article of faith. God is eternal; I am changeable. And I still have a lot of positive energy and happiness.

Also, this year I know that challenging physical activities are a way to process the chemicals and things that run my physical self. I also know how important it is to have logical and linear things to concentrate on.

Good nutrition gives the building blocks for the chemistry. I take trace minerals, five drops,plus inositol. I don't drink diet pop anymore. That seems to have gotten rid of a source of that flat, empty feeling in my brain. The artificial sweeteners, I read, are similar to neurotransmitters. I don't know just how important this is. Maybe it's a placebo effect but I'll keep doing it. I need to look at all the sugars and carbs i get, and the alcohol especially.

Finally, giving something of substance to others who need it really does helpmy heart feel better. I know more about the needs of other people than I ever did before. In the past I assumed other people thought the same way I did to a greater extent than even I knew.

Maybe depression is likethedead-end in a pipeline, where junk collects and doesn't get moved through. I think it's possible not to stay blocked, even when I wake up in the morning and the fear of future emotions starts working its way in.



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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Lisa Arata

Greeley , CO

Lisa Arata has posted 182 blog entries and 282 comments since joining on 4/18/2007. Lisa Arata 's average blog rating is 4.74.
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