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Blog Entry 151 of 182
Bad Mom
I call myself Bad Mom because at the time I came up with it, I was learning about the assumptions we put behind our words. I was following the pattern of not believing that my kids are okay, and speaking to them from that basis. I changed that, and it made a big difference. I am from Utah and my people are still living there. My husband was in the Air Force and we rattled around until we saw Colorado, and we stuck.
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The Black Dog
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Contributed by:
Lisa Arata
on 10/13/2008
The season has changed. So much has happened in the past year! I guess you never stop growing.
Because I was active in my life I had a great August and September was good too. My birthday is on its way.
Now I notice the thought patterns coming back, which I associate with the D-word.
Repetetive thoughts: Songs stuck in my head, phrases, lots of little flotsam swirling in the eddies of my mind.
Regrets: Mistakes I made. Ignorant things I did and said. Things I thought and said that if known might hurt people.
"Can't" thinking: A basic, wordless toggle to the dark and limited side of possibility.
Lonely and isolated feelings: Most of the time I love my alone time but sometimes it gets to me and I feel like others have love and friendship in their lives but not I. This is only a thought pattern and I know it's not true, so I try and laugh and do something fun with someone in my life.
The only difference is, this year I know I've been feeling happy and I have those memories to buoy me up and remind me that feelings pass and joy returns. It's an article of faith. God is eternal; I am changeable. And I still have a lot of positive energy and happiness.
Also, this year I know that challenging physical activities are a way to process the chemicals and things that run my physical self. I also know how important it is to have logical and linear things to concentrate on.
Good nutrition gives the building blocks for the chemistry. I take trace minerals, five drops,plus inositol. I don't drink diet pop anymore. That seems to have gotten rid of a source of that flat, empty feeling in my brain. The artificial sweeteners, I read, are similar to neurotransmitters. I don't know just how important this is. Maybe it's a placebo effect but I'll keep doing it. I need to look at all the sugars and carbs i get, and the alcohol especially.
Finally, giving something of substance to others who need it really does helpmy heart feel better. I know more about the needs of other people than I ever did before. In the past I assumed other people thought the same way I did to a greater extent than even I knew.
Maybe depression is likethedead-end in a pipeline, where junk collects and doesn't get moved through. I think it's possible not to stay blocked, even when I wake up in the morning and the fear of future emotions starts working its way in.
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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION
Lisa Arata
Greeley
, CO
Lisa Arata has posted
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