Close your eyes for a moment and imagine
Tom Cruise walking into a bar, not a dark moody bar you might find in a
Bukowski novel, but a bar more like
Cheers. In fact, let's just say he walks into Cheers, and when he does, the room erupts into "
TOM".
Sam Malone is quick to ask, "
how's it going Tom"? "
I just went over the numbers for Lion for Lambs Sam". "
Yeah, I missed that one Tom". "
I know Sam, I saw the numbers"....something witty like that. Anyway, Tom sits down and immediately sees
Ben Stiller sitting at the other end, drinking a mojito and bobbing his head to the jukebox playing
LL Cool J's Mama Said Knock You Out. Tom loves LL, not so much Mama Said, he lays his hat with
Around the Way Girl, Mama's a little abrasive to his ears, but that doesn't mean he won't bust one out when the DJ spins it at the club. Both are down with
The Boomin' System though.
I'm getting off topic...
So Tom walks up to Ben:
Tom--"
I'm the best takin' out all rookies"
Ben-"
So forget Oreos eat Cool J cookies"
In Unison--"
I'm Bad"
They share a moment. Ben buys Tom a mojito. They discuss important topics. Then Tom gets an idea. Ben says he's stupid crazy. Tom asks Ben to not be glib. Ben apologizes.
They head to the lab... a science that is. DNA is extracted, tests are run, numbers are plugged into seemingly inconceivable formulas.
Bruce Banner gets nervous and says this is a stupid crazy idea. Tom glares at Bruce. Bruce apologizes for being glib.
What were they doing?
...and Tom and Ben created Paul Hughes.
Bruce becomes green with envy...
"
Are you saying you look like those two"?
Yes, I find myself sitting in the same sandbox as these titans of industry who have given us such memorable characters as
Brian "
when he pours he reigns"
Flanagan and
Gaylord Greg Focker. Granted, my resemblance to these two fine gentleman is a slight resemblance, maybe better than slight as I hear"y
ou look like" from time to time, but
Tugg Speedman's and
Cole Trickles respective wives would never confuse me for the real deal. But hey a resemblance is still a resemblance and I say that my new favorite word is CAPITALIZATION.
Hollywood, I come bearing a gift called the big breakout blockbuster of 2009.
Here's the treatment:
Tom an Ben play brothers Bradley Kind (Cruise) and Benjamin Kind (Stiller). Benjamin is a simple accountant and married to the woman of his dreams. They're unable to have kids (foreshadowing). Bradley is the wild one. A PR guy buy day, a club hopping lothario by night. He's the guy every dude wants to be and every girl wants to be with. Bradley though is empty and lovelorn inside (foreshadowing). Bradley and Ben always bicker, with Bradley always hazing Benjamin for his starchy uptight lifestyle and Benjamin always after Bradley for his refusal to grow up. They don't hang out a lot.
Bradley and Benjamin do get together for Thanksgiving (you see their parents passed away so all they have is each other), there is knock at the door. Benjamin's wife (played by
Tea Leoni) opens the door....
There, with suitcase in hand, stands Paul Smith (played by
Paul Hughes. Since both Ben and Tom are older than me by only 11 or 12 years, I will have to play younger). You see Paul's mom went out with both Benjamin and Bradley in college. Paul's mom has just passed away. Paul, when going through his mothers belongings, finds that either Benjamin or Bradley are his father. Paul never met his father.
Now simple logic would just have Paul Smith and the Kind Brothers partaking in a little procedure called a DNA test. But DNA tests don't make for good plot movers or funny montages and this train needs to run for at least 90 minutes...90 gut wrenchingly funny but sweet natured minutes.
So Paul decides to hang out with each brother for one week to try and determine who his real father is. Benjamin is beyond excited because this gives him a shot at a life he's always wanted. He welcomes Paul with open arms. Bradley feels Paul will ruin his game. He scoffs and whines, declaring this kid will not only ruin his game but will break down the "beaver dam" he's built up for himself. Maybe Tom does that thing, like in
Jerry Maguire, where he gets upset and starts flailing around... The Tom money shot if you will.
Paul hangs out with Benjamin and tries to help him loosen up,. They go to a ball game, Benjamin gets the courage to razz an opposing fan, they get into a fight. Benjamin feels alive and carefree. Funny activity montages will take place.
Bradley is still reluctant and doesn't want to hang out with Paul. Funny montages where Bradley scoffs at Paul's desire to hang out him will occur. Then Paul helps Bradley meet a girl that Bradley has a crush on, Marie (played by Rachel Weisz). For all of Bradley's coolness, he becomes shy around girls he feels intimidated by. Paul helps alleviate that fear. Bradley warms to Paul. They go out to a bar one night and get way hammered. Bradley stands up on a table and recite's poetry, to show his sensitive side, you see Marie is in the bar as well and loves it when a man expresses himself. They get into a fight with some rednecks who talk like Jeff Foxworthy and hate it when men "espresses himself cuz that's for sissy necks" It will be hilarious. Marie warms to Bradley.
In the end, Paul decides he doesn't want to know who his father is, he just happy being around Benjamin and Bradley....scratch that, Paul finds out who his father is but decides to burn the piece of paper revealing the name, for Paul both of them are his father. It will be a very sentimental moment. Kleenex should be on hand. Benjamin and Bradley during this time become closer. The end of the movie will jump ahead one year as Bradley has married Marie. Paul has changed his name to Paul Kind. Benjamin and his wife have finally been able to conceive a child. They will live on the same street. The movie will be called.
Wait for it....
Wait.....
3 OF A KIND.
The tagline will be:
They're working on a full house.
Just give me the
Oscar(s) now.
Where does it all come from? It's a gift really.
Your Friend
Paul Hughes