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HubCap: How to kill a mattress

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Contributed by: Brendan Leonard/YourHub.com on 7/11/2006

When my girlfriend and I decided to move to Denver from Phoenix in 2005, we took some stock of what we owned and decided to get rid of most of it, because it wasn't worth paying the fees and gas to rent a truck to drive it that far. The picnic table we used in our dining room was easy to get rid of. I hated the futon more than you hate Paris Hilton -- it's somewhere between a couch and a bed, and fails to do a decent job of being either.

But the bed. The bed was hard to let go. You know what I'm talking about. It felt like lying on a cloud. It was one of those mattresses that makes you involuntarily go "ahhhhhh" when you lie down on it and makes you wish there was a waffle iron and a fridge in the headboard.

It had to go. I put an ad on craigslist and two days later a guy in central Phoenix said he'd take the mattress and boxspring for $250. I called my friend Cortney to see if he'd help me take it down to the guy. Cortney is the kind of guy who likes roller derby, bowling and skateboarding, and would probably fight anybody but would rather tell them jokes. He's also a pretty bad driver. But, he had a truck, and I didn't.

Through pretty bad traffic almost all the way to the mattress-buyer's apartment, Cortney managed to keep the truck on the road and the mattress and boxspring in the back of the truck. About five blocks from our destination, we got stuck in the right-hand lane of 16th Street, behind a Suburban that was behind a van that had broken down at the signal. Cars in the left lane whizzed by us and Cortney kept whipping his head around to see if he could make it out into the left lane without killing us, then back to see if the Suburban was going to try the same thing first.

We flew out from behind the Suburban like a hog shot out of a cannon, then flew through the intersection, narrowly missing a small sedan whose driver thought it would be safe to cross our path to turn left on a red light.

Just as I took my hands off the dashboard, Cortney looked in the rearview mirror and said "[Expletive][expletive] mattress [expletive]." I looked out the back window to see the mattress blocking the left lane of 16th Street, right next to the broken-down van. It looked like they could have been getting ready to drag race, had a nice-looking girl been standing on the dotted line between them and the van waving a handkerchief.

We flung open the doors of the truck and bolted across four lanes of traffic on Camelback Road. Cortney grabbed the mattress and hoisted it above his head. I grabbed the boxspring and sprinted after him, back across Camelback. I guess we could have walked; who's going to hit two guys carrying a bed?

The fabric had ripped off the bottom of the boxspring, but other than that, everything was intact. We made it to the guy's house two minutes later. The guy only had 20-dollar bills and I didn't have change, so I said $240 would be okay. Deal.

When my girlfriend and I got to Denver, we had no jobs and little money, so we ended up buying a significantly less luxurious bed. It's okay, but we could have done better.

The moral of the story is this: Mattress King is giving away 20 mattress sets per month (new, not like the one in the picture) to "deserving members of the community" who enter our "Good Knights" contest. All you have to do is post a story about a deserving community member or organization that could use a new mattress. If I were you, I'd write one about your spouse, because if they win a new mattress, you get to sleep on half of it. Well, between 30 and 70 percent of it, anyway, depending on your spouse. Here are all the details. All you folks who write stories on YourHub.com for free owe it to yourselves to use your powers to try to get someone a new mattress.

I don't have a good plane or airport story off the top of my head, but Southwest Airlines is giving away Family 4-Packs to people who post photos and stories about their recent trips on YourHub.com. They'll give away six of them, good for four tickets to any Southwest destination, to lucky folks who post travel stories and photos before the Aug. 9 deadline. I really don't see any reason not to enter, unless you have three or more kids and you can't decide which one you'd leave at home. Click here to post your stories and photos and click here to read the contest details.

Also, Cortney has recently announced his engagement to his girlfriend, Vera, so congratulations to them. I'm pretty sure he'll treat her better than he treated my mattress.
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