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Blog Entry 223 of 623 What's Going On
Whats Going On
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Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~WhatsGoingOn

Dear Worst Can Opener Ever: You suck

Contributed by: Brendan Leonard/YourHub.com   on 1/9/2007

Man, OK. I needed a can opener for work, and at King Soopers, I pretty much had two choices: You, at $2.99, or the fancier, more muscular-looking can opener with the bulkier handle, at $8.99 if I remember right.

I mean, come on, you were essentially going to be a second can opener -- I have one at home, and the one I bought for work was going to get used a few times a week. That's all I was asking. Open a can of soup a few times a week -- maybe four at most. I think $2.99 is enough to pay for something that gets out of the drawer four times a week, don't you? Fair, maybe a little bit of a bargain on my part.

And you worked pretty well for about two weeks. I was pretty satisfied, I'll admit. I even sent out an e-mail to my co-workers, saying, "Hey, if you ever need a can opener, stop by my desk."

Then it all went to s$#%.

As you were opening the can, after about a quarter-lap around, you'd just pop off. Sometimes, instead of cutting the metal lid off, you'd just push it down about a millimeter. Yeah, that's real helpful. Are you joking? I want to eat the soup, not smell it.

Also, you cut little metal shavings off the lid, which I'm pretty sure are ending up in my soup, after the five minutes it takes me to get the can open. I'm eating metal because you suck at your job.

You know what? Keep taking it easy, man, because your time here at YourHub.com is over as soon as I work up the ambition to:

a) Buy the $8.99 can opener that can handle a workout three or four times a week

or

b) Bring in an axe to open my lunch with every day.

Take your pick, Worst Can Opener Ever: YourHub.com, or Denver City Dump.

You suck.
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Showing 1-10 of 10 comments
Submitted By: Brendan Leonard
posted on 1/9/2007 @ 11:41:49 PM
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I know, Bill. I know. Please post the picture of the soup when it's ready.
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Submitted By: Bill Boucher
posted on 1/9/2007 @ 5:29:29 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Brendan, Brendan, Brendan. If only you had come to our Pampered Chef party, you might possibly be enjoying the mother of all can openeres at this very minute. Not only does ours cut as through warm butta, but it also has a handy lid grasping mechanism, cuts a smooth edge with no shavings, and quite possibly may bring about peace in our lifetimes. Peace out. I'll draw you a picture of soup.
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Submitted By: John Brandstetter
posted on 1/9/2007 @ 2:49:59 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I feel your pain, Brendan. When I lived with my parents, their can opener made a fool of me time and again. I could never pop open a can of tuna on the first try. My cats yowled at me when I was unable to feed them in a timely manner. I just bought a cheap opener for my new place. Big mistake. I can't even make a chili dog without cursing the invention of cans. I'm with you if you want to buy the more heavy duty brand. We shall suffer no more.
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Submitted By: Eric Lubbers
posted on 1/9/2007 @ 2:49:41 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I have two small culinary pleasures in my life, can opener: Target brand Chunky Chicken Corn Chowder and Tikka Masala. You have nearly foiled my pursuit of the former on many occasions, and I can only thank god that Indian food does not come in a can. Allow me to offer a hearty "screw you," can opener.
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Submitted By: Erin Feese
posted on 1/9/2007 @ 2:49:09 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I, as well, have been foiled by imitations: Do not trust the $1 section can opener at Target, even if it has a cute little red handle. Because that is all it is good for: Looking cut