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Blog Entry 56 of 182 Bad Mom
I call myself Bad Mom because at the time I came up with it, I was learning about the assumptions we put behind our words. I was following the pattern of not believing that my kids are okay, and speaking to them from that basis. I changed that, and it made a big difference. I am from Utah and my people are still living there. My husband was in the Air Force and we rattled around until we saw Colorado, and we stuck.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~Huh

The Meaning Of Life! Unfortunately...
Contributed by: Lisa Arata   on 3/4/2008

I've figured out the meaning of life. Unfortunately, there's something to it that I don't yet feel comfortable with.

I'm taking all this Eckhart Tolle/Course in Miracles/David R. Hawkins stuff very seriously lately. They all talk about ego and the nature of perception. I read things and take notes on what seems especially relevant to my life.

What I'm learning is, the hyper-critical thinking I've had all my life, AND the search for truth in books and churches, AND my low self-regard, are all things of the ego. I don't have to think that way.

For example, I've noticed I have a perceptual habit of evaluating whether someone's hair looks nice or whether they've been taking care of their nutrition. Or, let's say I'm driving my car and turning a corner and I bump my tire on the curb. I've always said to myself, "You stupid jerk, now you're going to need an alignment!" Or something like that.

And the car thing? Cars aways need maintenance. Just don't do it next time.

But...People's appearances have nothing to do with me or my opinion. It's pointless to judge people like that. I'd go thru WalMart thinking, "Jeez, lady, you don't need more potato chips..." And now I feel sorry for all that ego bashing. Now I briefly look at people and try to see what their eyes look like. They may be troubled in their circumstances, and what's needed is a blessing.

I do that now, and I forget to do that to myself.

So, I was walking the dogs the other day. I get a lot of philosophical digestive action while walking the dogs and they do their 'digestive action,' (which I always pick up, btw) And I was thinking about how it said in the Course in Miracles that nothing of this earth has any meaning except what you give it.

So, by flipping that idea over in my head I got that if I want meaning, I have to pull it out of me. That means if I am going to give a beautiful day its due appreciation, I can very well pay attention to it and feel how good it is. And because the meaning in it is really in me, then I can very well realize the beauty is in some formless part of me.

A Course in Miracles says that God, the One Constant or whatever, can only be love and can only merge with love. (The Christ aspect can work forgiveness and healing. The Holy Spirit aspect can hear my words and translate them for God into either expressions of love, or requests for love. Other than that, I myself have created my ego and it deals only in walls and darkness. I'm not trying to get you to believe this, I'm just saying that was my system of thought.)

I've been having a helluva time feeling and recognizing love. It's almost like undertaking this field of study makes your ego get worse, like you're given a big bucket of worms all at once. On Saturday I was doing a good bit of hubby-hating, until I remembered that God only sees love. So...I found some love inside me and applied it. It wasn't pretty!

So, yesterday I thought, "The meaning of life is in what you give it." Well, then the question is, "Who am I, really? I never thought my inner self had any power or that my desires mattered that much. I had the princess spanked out of me at a young age. Now, the thing is, those thoughts I had of low self-worth CANNOT be the meaning I dwell on. That really sucks. I have to let that go. It's really hard! But it isn't meaningful!

I have no idea what life means if I have to supply the meaning. I don't know what's okay--I guess I just have to say what's okay. Well, what do I mean by that? Jeez.

Okay. I have to go jeans shopping now.


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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Lisa Arata

Greeley , CO

Lisa Arata has posted 182 blog entries and 282 comments since joining on 4/18/2007. Lisa Arata 's average blog rating is 4.74.
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