Stimulus Economus...

The Federal Government is doing us, the American people, a real solid.

REBATE CHECKS BABY...and since I came in just under the cut off line, I get one...CASH MONEY. If I were the sort that would be tagged as lame and had myself a sweet Boost mobile phone, I'd give our Fed a big "Where you at Dog"? But I don't so it looks like a gift basket is in order.

So now my job is to stimulate the economy and stimulate it I will. How will I do that? Sit back and check out my wickedly genius plan.

First, I'm taking my $600 and going to Las Vegas. Plane ticket and hotel will be out of my own pocket. Rebate money will not be used. That's called doing the economy an added stimulation solid.

I will head directly to the craps table. I have a freakishly keen eye for when to lay down a field bet, so after getting a sense of the table, that field bet will be placed. I will win...DOUBLE MY MONEY. I will do this for the next 6 hours and I will not lose. My $600 dollars will have now grown to $69,600 dollars.

I will stop off at the Crazy Horse Too because there's no better way to throw money into the economy than by paying a $20 cover to look at naked girls dancing to AC/DC. I'll even go one step further and help out the staff...err strippers and give them money, per dance, so that they may go out on their days off and stimulate the economy as well.

I will then leave Vegas with $69,000 dollars in my pocket. Once I'm back home I will take my hard earned rebate money and make a movie.

The movie will be called The Tet Offensive, but replace the E in Tet with an I as I am not Oliver Stone and sex will always sell, no matter what type of economy we're in. My picture of an adult nature will be super erotic , super sexy, super dark and have super hot chicks. The film will consist of arty dissolves, decoupages and will be filmed in black and white. It will be bold and daring, and will make people sweat. It will make them yearn for love and carnal passion. I will have a killer soundtrack consisting of Neil Young, Wilco, Super Furry Animals and Maroon 5(because they're songs are way too (censored) catchy for their own good). I'm not perfect; I do own a Killers CD. Oh yeah almost forgot, the theme song for the movie will be Loretta Lynn's Out Of My Head And Back Into My Bed...that's how I roll.

The movie will spark a revolution. It will bring back films of an adult nature to actual movie theaters. The movie will play at the Mayan. People will stand in line for hours to check out what Roger Ebert will call " The sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life". The economy will be stimulated even further by what the Village Voice will call " The naughtiest thing I have ever seen and the soundtrack is off the hook, amust see". This will be the only thing I have in the tank, but I will milk it unmercifully. Prequels, a series on HBO, and merchandise will further indenture it to the American public. This same American public will buy anything and everything. Fledging filmmakers will try to immolate my supposed genius. The phrase 'Hughesesque' will show up in a dictionary. I'm way to modest to preach about my humble ways but I'd be remiss if I didn't offer this. It will be the Star Wars of adult pictures. The amount of money that will be collected off my movie and its many, many tie-ins will erase the government deficit.

My rebate money will swell into the billions. But I will not rest on my laurels. I will take that money and become somewhat philanthropic. I will, unbeknownst to the American people, cure the foul smell of the fart, toot, the cheese that was cut or (insert own term here). Whether I do something with the drinking water, or I tamper with your tasty Starbucks drinks and pastries...whatever; it will be covert and effective. Everyone's farts will smell like fresh out the oven brownies and chocolate chip cookies. This will cause people to start craving brownies and cookies...all the time.

This fiendishly clever maneuver will bring the people to Paul's Brownie and Cookie Shack. The people will spend, spend, and spend. The economy will go strong. My stores will swell into the thousands. The economy will stimulate beyond belief. I will be on the cover of Forbes, Time (as Man of the Year) and US Weekly (because I will be rumored to be dating Natalie Portman, though both of us will deny, deny, deny).

I will shoot a second in The Tet, replace the e with an I, Offensive film series, simply called T...you know the drill... Offensive 2: The Grand Tetons. Again replace the E in Tetons with an I. It will do well, though the final box office take will be less one half of the first movie. Critics will say I "phoned it in". My soundtrack will still kick out the phat jams (featuring M.I.A., Dangermouse, Public Enemy, The Roots and The Sugarhill Gang). People will secretly call me a one trick pony despite my assertions that I have many other ideas.

With success comes inevitable backlash. Paul's Brownie and Cookie Shack will suffer major losses due to the resurgence in the Presidential Council for Fitness and Sports, led once again by ArnoldSchwarzenegger. I will be forced to close all stores. People will feel the void of not smelling a real fart. The black market will swell with bottles of fart smell, The Essence of Fart. I will be sued because I manipulated the American public into buying my delicious goodies. I will say that I was only trying to stimulate the economy and stimulate it I did. I should be championed, but I will be vilified.

Lost in my delusion, I will end up on the street, penniless. The only thing I can call my own is the only copy left of my film. All others will have been burned because of a resurgence in morals and G rated movies...kicked started because of my highly erotic 'skin flick'

With indigent solitude all around me, my epiphany comes, and I will bounce back stronger than a powered up Pac-Man. I will blow up the moon. "That's all well and good Paul, but please indulge my curiosity a bit". No more periods for our ladies...period. Yeah, it's science; I read about in Penthouse or something. This will spark worldwide enthusiasm in all. I will open up shops in every mall across the country. Paul's F theMoon Boutique will become one of those success stories you only see in the movies. A reunited Guns and Roses will write the F the Moon anthem and people will rock out to it. This song will not be released digitally, only on actual CD format. This will bring back CD sales to record numbers.

With my work complete, I will sit back and bask in the glory of single handedly giving people a reason to spend. Natalie Portman will call me, but I will not return her call. Because I will be dating that girl from Heroes, you know the young one.

You can thank me later...with a medal or something.

Your friend and economic stimulator,

Paul Hughes.