Dear Alec Baldwin,

First, I would like to get this off my chest, you have your moments on 30 Rock, but on the whole, your performance does feel a little "phoned in" (no pun intended). Plus, what's the point in seeing Alec Baldwin if he's not sweating profusely (see Heaven's Prisoner's,The Departed,etc) and I don't see you sweating profusely each Thursday night...so could you change that please? In my little world a sweaty Alec Baldwin is sacred, like cows in India. Secondly, and I know, it's the elephant in the room right now, but I want to talk to you about that little phone message you left for your ingrate daughter. Yep, I said it; I'm totally on your side dude. She could've been talking to Alec Baldwin, he of The Cooler, The Hunt For Red October, Glengarry Glen Ross, that genius "Schwetty Balls" skit on SNL. But she chose otherwise, probably choosing to spend her "phone time" at the mall with friends, causing shenanigans, or worse, out to the movies with some boy who's just no good. Perhaps, albeit a long shot, she was studying for a test...whatever; does she not fully grasp who you are? Did she not see Beetlejuice? Simply based on movie credentials alone, you're a far superior parent than Kim. Let me list some of Kim's "achievements", Cellular, The Real McCoy, Cool World, Bless the Child, I Dreamed of Africa???... I don't need to go any further, what a loser. I do realize that she won an Oscar while you were merely nominated for one, but at least you didn't do My Stepmother is an Alien...Alec=1, Kim=0. But you're the one getting the shaft. If I were Alec Baldwin, I'd be a little upset as well.

But we're not here to focus on the negative Alec, because that phone message leads me to my third and most important point; it's been years since I've seen that sort of impassioned acting from you. My god man, do you realize that message completely erases the work you did in The Cat in the Hat, Pearl Harbor, Mercury Rising, The Shadow, The Getaway, She's Having a Baby, Those episodes of Knot's Landing, Fun With Dick and Jane, guest spots on Will and Grace, Friends...well you get my point. Seriously, your impromptu performance was up there with "coffee is for closers". So much so that whenever I feel the need to call someone a thoughtless pig, I'll say I'm totally getting all Baldwinesque on that person. I may just call people thoughtless pigs because that's how much I loved your "voice work" on that message. I only wish there was video of you as you made the call, because I can bet my car you were sweating...a lot. It does beg the question though, why can't you do that all the time? Hopefully this wasn't a one time deal; because I don't think I have enough energy to see you do another movie like Prelude to a Kiss, or The Juror...*shudder to think*.

Because I care Alec, I am here to offer my services to you. For arguments sake, let's say your ingrate daughter finally realizes who the better parent is ( Blind Date or The Aviator, is there even a doubt in your mind? ) let me be the guy who constantly takes you for granted. I never answer my phone dude...ever. Then there are the chances that I actually return your call...15 % on the weekdays, 10% on the weekends. Forming this partnership can only mean one thing for you, a string of Oscar wins. Why aren't you calling me right now to get the ball rolling...oh wait, you just might be, I wouldn't know because I don't answer my phone. Doesn't that get you hot under the collar; you should probably leave me a message telling me how raw it makes you feel. See, it's working already. Let's get that fire back into that ever expanding belly of yours. I really don't want to walk around telling people I'm a huge fan of your brother Stephen.

Your friend...and savior.

Paul Hughes.