So Nebraska State Senator
Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit against God; he of course wants to prove a point about frivolous lawsuits. God love you...well not anymore but anyhoo...
I have some frivolous ideas that I would love to turn into lawsuits. We live in a world where ourfondlove of sueing seems to dictate logic...2 +2=5. So with anything possible in this great land of ours; below are some people that I may bring a massive class action lawsuit down upon them. They need to be made an example of.
Marica Clark and
Christopher Darden-Thanks guys. The circus is once again back in town.
Kato Kaelin is going to get another 15 minutes.
Mark Furhman will probably write another book, and
Fred Goldman will capitalize like a good little opportunist. He could be sitting in jail right now, but that would've required the both of you to fulfill the basic requirements of the job. On any other day, bringing a lawsuit against ones stupidity would show me the door, but I'm guessing this one gets heard. When I win, and yes my case will win, your punishment will be to go to every house in America and say you're sorry (thus putting a new law on the books called Marcia's Law). The second part of the punishment will be up to each respective home; so fair warning, you may be required to clean our houses and bake each of us a pie (or whatever favorite dessert dominates the moment). What's that Chris and Marcia, the case wasn't a slam dunk like we think it was/should've been? Here's my retort...you're idiots if you still believe that. FYI, I want my apology sung to me in the key of the
Beastie Boys Paul Revere...I'll let you figure out the words.
The creator of Ranch Dressing-I really (
censored) hate you. I hate that it tastes so good. I hate that ranch dressing goes with everything. I hate that it's become so ingrained in my life, I could have a banana in my hand and immediately I search for the ranch to dip it into. I hate that on my weekly "bro's before ho's" Friday night pizza, wings, and beer night with my dude friends, gallons are consumed... (
censored) GALLONS. You've have turned me into an addict, and for that, my enabler, you must compensate me with money. Life would be much easier if you tasted like that abortion known as Bleu Cheese Dressing.
Mike Shanahan-Seriously dude, the jig is up, you're not that good of a coach. What, you're 2-1? Don't get fired up over those two wins Mikey, pure subterfuge. I'm the last thing from a Broncos fan but even I feel sorry for my local football fan brethren. The people of this state need to stand up and kick your unproductive (
censored) to the curb. I know you have a couple of Super Bowl rings, but a guy with zero coaching experience would have two Super Bowl rings if they had
John Elway and
Terrell Davis...and let's not forget one of those wins came against the
Atlanta Falcons with
Chris Chandler as their quarterback. That's like coaching the 7'guy against the 4'10" guy in the who can reach up the farthest contest. Do you realize that you were on your way to the playoffs last year, but
Jake Plummer sucks, Jake can't do this, Jake can't do that... you're a moron. Do us a favor and spare yourself the humiliation you'll receive in court;pack your bags tonight, get out of Dodge and go back to the
Oakland Raiders. I'll have Marcia and Chris bake you a goodbye pie. Also, you wouldn't happen to have
Gary Kubiak's number would you, we might need it.
People who give you the "we're playing phone tag...so tag your it" voicemail message- Sorry, but...oh (
censored) me on this one. Maybe this has gone on for years but it seems to be a new found trend with the people I know or have come to associate with in some capacity. Maybe I need new people in my life, or maybe people need to quit this "witty repertoire". Just grinds my wheels man. It's really simple, you get someone's voicemail and you simply and quite eloquently say "Hey it's (
insert name here) call me back. Or if the person you're trying to call is like me and never answer their cell phone, simply say "It's (
insert name here) me again, call me or I'll kill every one of your family members, video tape it, kidnap you, strap you down
Clockwork Orange style and make you watch it on a continuous loop until you kill yourself by swallowing your own tongue. See how easy that is? Try it sometime, that person may call you back.
People who feel the need to give you the "pound" instead of a handshake- What happened to professionalism? I don't get this. If you're not following me on the "pound" it's the new
Top Gun hand slap (make a fist, hold out arm, and then wait for someone to "pound" their fist into yours) People do this all the time. I have a boss that when I am required to be in his presence, gives me the "pound". I can't imagine what sort of ignoble greeting will be doing 50 years from now, maybe sniffing each others butts, I don't know? It's like we've all become arthritic. The "pound" has made your way to go bro "athletic" slap on the tush downright bourgeoisie. It's cute when you do this with a two year old...a forty year old...not so much.
Europe-The fiancé is from across the pond so I tread lightly here, but seriously
Fanta? Explain that one to me, how can you love it that much? Just give me a bag of sugar and a carafe of brown Mexican tap water; I'd enjoy the experience more. Here's the great thing about going to a restaurant in Europe, no ice in the soda. It's a key ingredient guys, put water in a freezer, watch the magic happen, its genius. Over here ice in our drinks is where the party is at dude.
Monty Python? Funny, like dressing up as
JFK post gunshot wound to the head on Halloween is funny (well bad example, that might actually be kind of funny.So they're funny like dressing up as a 12-year-old gang rape victim on halloween..better?)Also you LOVE the
Dandy Warhols over there, we don't like them here, there's a reason. Open your eyes a bit on that one. Then's there's the BO thing,
Keira Knightley, The inability to figure out hot and cold,
David Beckham,allowing
Simon Cowell and that Idol show to infest our TV's, well I could go on and on. Let's just say we deal with this in court shall we?
The emasculation of men - Every dude out there should be on the trolley with this one. Guys, we have a problem, and it's only getting girlier. Some of our peeps are wearing girl pants, and some shave their armpits and legs...no they're not cyclists or involved in water polo. I want names of who started this. The day of reckoning in court is coming. Europe, you have anything to confess? I went to see that
Rob Zombie's "reimagining" of
Halloween (he should be on this list for that but right now I have bigger fish to fry) and all the dudes were super girly while the chicks had some fight in them. This is tragic and it needs to stop. I'm going to go smash beer cans on my head and start a fight with someone. Do likewise gents.
I could go on but I'm spent now.
Till next time..
Your friend
Paul Hughes